Fat Bloke on a Bike

ARR me Leggies!  ARR me Lungies!  ARR me Testies!  Arrrgghhh!  Shiver me timbers! We're in Penzance after the final days ride to Lands End yesterday.  A couple of sore pirates are we.  We both used the same lavatory.  La de da dum tra la.. all together now!  Pirates of Penzance!  You know the song?? Oh woe is me.  This ride from John O Groats down to Lands End has been hard work.   Did you not remember Wayne just how fecking tough it felt back in 2018?  Well, yes I did.  I remembered the days, especially the early days in Cornwall even after the short rides.  Of legs positively on fire and bubbling in baths of cold water!  And, whilst laid on the bed with my weepy eyes hidden under a pillow, of Kathryn stealthily applying fecking deep heat to my sore bits.  Aaarrrggghh!  It took the fire brigade over half an hour to remove my fingers from the holes and so break me free from the bedroom ceiling....

Well I tried.  Spent all last night putting together a video montage of our riding in Cornwall.  I loaded all the files, did the video edit - basic of course - and then left the machine running overnight to finish the file uploading and rendering.  Got up this morning to a dead machine.  Many many minutes of fettling has identified that I had run out of disk space on the MacBook Air and whilst I tried all the housekeeping I could which included washing its manky CPU and raking all the crap off its disk, well I've had to reduce the video I wanted to show by a third.  Never mind.   But at least this gives a flavour of the fantastical downhills where the sweat just fizzes of your back to the hard hard uphill grinds in this part of the world.   All beautiful of course, I hope you enjoy having another ride out with us :-) Today is the final day.  Some 42 miles and 3200ft of ascent to Lands End via Penzance and then back to Penzance for the ni...

2 days to go.  Still in the bastud hills.  I can no longer feel my legs.  Nor my bike saddle.  I think I've swallowed it! We're in a place called Lostwithail at the bottom of a gaggle of baby Garrowbys so today's ride is gonna start immediately with a hard vertical 400ft climb into the hills.  I'm sure you'll hear it when my left knee finally gives way.   Anyway we're in Cornwall.  The last county.  And to celebrate here first is a video of the best comedian that ever came out of the wild west.  Jethro.  Sadly no longer with us :-(  A small reminder of the man.  You'd never guess it but I like his humour :-) I'll put up a bit more video of our cycling later today once we arrive in Perranarworthal.  Its only 30 miles away.  I'd like to say its gonna be an easy day but cannot cos of all of the short spiky fecking hills in between!! Ciao for now...

For such a part of the world both Wyatt Burp and Doc on Holiday found the riding to be good.  With a fair tail wind and overcast skies it was cool easy going as both climbed through the Peetons.  A range of mountains so named by the flourish of extra nasty nettles everywhere.  Fed by the wet foul smelling excretions of a million sweaty cyclists who have passed this way before.  'Don't let one of dem get ya Wyatt!', said Doc.  'Dem's worse than rattlers!' The hills are alive with songs of birds - and lycra wrapped desert snakes that occasionally skittered past.  Making a sound akin to someone repeatedly singing 'Ohhh, I can't find my testicles, te-tum te-te ta-ta!' as they ground down hard into their saddles to the top of every busty hillock.  Riding quickly down mountain passes we kicked up tons of dirt which left us blathered in a sweat and dust encrusted patina.  Every orifice full of grime.  Every part of our bodies covered.  Both of ...

Who knew?  A Strawberry Sundae is a lifesaver.  I've tried to be a good boy.  I eat loads, you know that.  But I try my best to keep off of the raw sugary stuff.  Until now.   Yesterday I was lifeless.  My legs had fecked off somewhere leaving me with jelly filled bags.  Well that's what it felt like.  De-energised even on the flat stuff.  It was a burning hot day for sure.  Yes that must be it.  I positively leaked with sweat.  Wringing wet with the stuff.  And almost zero in the fuel tank.   And then I had a Strawberry Sundae in all of its sugary loveliness.  On a HOT day.  Mmmmm.  15 minutes later my legs reappeared from no fecking where and were off!  Cruising at 17mph on a loaded mountain bike!  Sugar!  I need Sugar!  Who knew!  For sure not the fecking pill pusher back home! What particularly worried me was today's ride though.  Not a lot in the blog to...

I've awoken in a shoebox.  One of the smallest single rooms ever.  Fecking Romans.  I hate them.  Bristol.  The city of a thousand hills.  Feckin 'ell.  Hard days end.  :-( Brad joined me in Hereford!  YAY!  He's gonna ride the final leg to Lands End with me.  6 days on his new bike with Uncle Wayne!  I've warned him that this is probably the hardest cycling section of the whole journey.  Oh to have 23 year old legs again.. Sorry no scribbles today.  Just a short video of our ride together down the Wye valley and across the Severn bridge.   I suspect Uncle Wayne will be massaging a pair of tender legs later this week.  If his bum hurts then it's got nothing to do with me!!! Ciao for now

Yesterday was a day off.  Thank God for days off.  Slimmer fitter people would probably feel fine.  But no - not me.  All this cycling makes me feel pumped.  And I'm not talking about vestigial winds here.  No.  Muscles feel bigger but not necessarily stronger.  It's as though someone has found the ever elusive schrader valve somewhere on my body and connected me to a high pressure airline.  I feel like I'm gonna explode! Days off like the writing in this blog are all about decompression for me.  Of the mind as I write and the body as I rest.  As a result I feel more refreshed and ready for the next day.  But not without the calories.  Oh no.  I weigh 20 stone.  Me and the bike weigh approx one sixth of a ton.  So I need the input to push this mess of a thing along the road. We've proven on this trip that I don't have skinny legs.  No, they're probably the biggest pistons around and so need tons of fuel...

That was just pure nasty.  Fer fecks sake.  The Romans for sure knew where to build towns.  Not only because they were great places for crossing rivers and so collecting taxes.  No, the other important feature was defensibility.  To keep out the local gargling tribes, whos main complaint was the price of milk and the rotten things done by Biggus Dickus to their now crosseyed daughters, all of whom had changed their names to 'Oooh Myfanwy'! And so it goes with Hereford (Roman: Heri a Fordi) where the Roman bean counters could be heard saying: 'Taxi per favore. Watsamattayou?  Gotta no respect!  Grazie!', as the beans were deposited in their grubby mitts. Whatsamattame?  I'll tell you what... Its day 14 on the bike.  There's another rest day to look forward to tomorrow.  A day to let the blood return to my appendages which so far have been solid and strong at the start of every day but limp by the end.  I'm talking about my legs here ...

Boring stats update.  645 miles completed.  350 miles to go.  Approx 17000 ft ascended (feels like more) and 57000 calories used.  I'm gonna write about calories and food consumption later cos a few people seem to be concerned that I might not be eating enough.  Ha! Ha! Ha! Almost choked on my scotch egg :-) I'm taking an English / Welsh border route down the country this time.  Its only 17 miles west of my northerly route on LEJOG some 4 years ago but by God what a difference.  Hardly any traffic.  Roads that I'm positively greasing along and so far nowhere as hilly as I expected.  But littered with monster wildebeest tractors towing their heavily laden trailers full of silage across the freshly cut veldt. A bit boring though in that there's also lots of lanes with well trimmed hedges at either side of the strip.  Funny how that reminds me of some of my previous girlfriends.  Myfanwy is so so happy to be back near her native lands....

I've lost a pair of thunderpants.  You know.  Grundies, shreddies, baggy budgie smugglers.  And so on... Where they are I do not know.  Whether a clean pair or a set that I've left snarling in some darkened corner somewhere... May I suggest if you find them then approach with care.  Use tongs and a gas mask plus goggles and - as should be done for all of my clothing - wash separately!  You might be able to repurpose them as a play tent for young children but as I've said MAKE SURE you wash them first.  I cannot be held responsible for the consequences which will include PTSD, a bedwetting problem and a huge psychiatrist's bill if you don't! Yesterday was the ride to Chester.  Day 3 with a bloody tough headwind.  It's becoming tiresome but the windy.com app says its shifting to a nor'wester and easing in strength.  Hope so cos I knobbled myself  yesterday.  I again lowered the bike seat which put pressure on my left knee which s...

Motivation.  I need none.  Not for this trip nor for any other.  Irrespective of anything that might conspire to stop me in my tracks, if I set out to do something then I will succeed.  Like whilst riding the wild wind yesterday.     Thank you storm Alex.  A murderous affair that bashed Florida a few days earlier before dumping lashings of rain on the UK the day we rode from Milngavie (pronounced Milngavie in this neck of the woods) [1] to Moffat.  Which was another murderous affair riding some 70 miles across the borders, a piece of murderous land that the English, and the Romans by the way, considered too murderous to cross.   And that ride across Shap.   Deary me.  That wind on the back side of the fell.  No not talking about you here South Side.  How it accelerated on that rock face!  Never ever have I ridden a bike and felt the power of it like that before.  Alnost lifted me and bike into the air!...

Nowt to say today other than just watch the video...  

How time flies.  Day 10 done.  I'm in Carlile with Scotland now a distant memory.  So thats 460 miles, 40,931 kcals and a shedload of feet climbed.  I'm nearly half way there! Not a good nights sleep though last night.  The room here in Carlisle is small and perfectly formed but is not the cause of my insomnia.  My mind is busy contemplating stuff.  I did eventually fall to sleep sometime after midnight but awoke out of it at least twice with a dead arm.  You know a proper achy appendage having somehow bent it unfunnily just before placing my huge bulk on top of it.  Oooohhhh! Yesterday we passed through Lockerbie where we found one of the gardens of remembrance.  We're in quiet contemplation whilst sat on a bench, and fall asleep.  Away with the fairies that no doubt protect this place yet still cry over the horror of it even today some 35 years later.  Over the lost souls of so many people who just did not know and so had no ...

I woke up late, as in 7am late.  Not the usual 04.30 rising followed by 2 hours on the blog. No, I said blog.  So I'm needing more sleep as I work my way down the country am I?  Not surprising really.  The fantastical mileage and feet climbed whilst riding a Surly Ogre mountain bike, a bike which adequately describes the demeanour of its tragic owner, for sure drains me completely by the end of every day.   'Look! Look! Southside' I shout as I show him the slackness in my leather belt.  I'm currently eating main course starters followed by main courses for my main course and a main course pudding yet it feels like the weight is already starting to drop off.  Mark is a fit racing snake with a pet tapeworm going by the amount of food he also eats.  And the occasional waggy tail he displays each day before he tucks it away saying 'no, no, not now' under his breath whilst bent over using his big thumbs to push his symbiotic pet back in to his sph...

I go into a Boots chemist this morning looking for something for my top lip. A cold sore has developed right on that corner where the manky water bottle nipple normally goes.  Before entering the chemist David the Gentle Giant warned me to be careful with my 'accent' as we're now in his home town of Milngavie (means Gavin's Mill but pronounced Miln-guy), a pretty little number atop the slag heap that is Glasgow.  In the chemist I carefully peruse the shelves and eventually ask the lass behind the counter if she has any Zovirax (pronounced Zovi-ray in this neck of the woods).  She walks back to where I was looking, grabs a tube and hands it to me.  So I ask her if she has any cream for my eyeballs too (pronounced Ebay in this neck of the woods) being that I must be totally blind.  She giggles and gives my face a little 'watchit mate' slap as might be done by wise young girls with big hands and horse teeth who have been approached by the older and generally more d...

Our suggestion for the holiday rating scales that should be available on all Scottish holiday booking web sites.. Staff Och, delightful! Have a pleasant demeanour Friendly Missing In Action  You looking at me? Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn... Food Delicious! Needs salt Bland  Needs more salt Baby puke Bork!  Facilities Has running cold AND hot water Has super slow WiFi ! Don't bother trying the shower... Has combo toilet / sink  unit With complimentary bedbugs Pay as you go sheep Comfort Aaahh.. Eeeh Aye Ow! Ooohh! Location Has a police station Has a Sheriff It's a 2 sheep town It's a 1 sheep town There are no sheep here It's in the middle of fecking nowhere! Scenery Awesome! Beautiful Lumpy bumpy Mountain bikes only Crampons needed! Too much protein in the air Cleanliness / Room smells Flowery! Hmmm... Whiffy Nutty Boggin!  Fer Gods Sake!!   Value for Money A Yorkshireman would be glad to stay here A Scot would be happy to stay here A South Sider wo...

No fnar'isms today.  No attempts at witty words.  No, time to share some video of the genuinely nice folk we meet, each with their stories to tell.  Here's a couple of uncut raw vids of 2 gents.  Please excuse the quality for now cos the internet is so slow.  High def stuff would take days to load and I just don't have the time... Firstly Jeff on his recumbant with his broken mirror and a ride across the bridge at Inverness... And Rush doing his own thing whilst like me managing diabetes and supporting a UK Dementia charity.  I also love his solar panel.  Now that's called going off the grid :-) Nice folk out riding their recumbants and bikes enjoying our beautiful country.   Life is good :-) Ciao for now.    

We're staying at the Scottish Youth Hostelling Association den of smells in Aviemore.  Me and South Side are sharing again a basic twin room with just a sink - and 2 beds.  The whole place smells rather nice.  Like a can of Glade air freshner has been emptied or a bottle of light aftershave has been sprinkled everywhere. It's about 4.30 am and I need a wee wee.  Carefully I turn the knob on the door lock and flip the latch with a loud 'click!' (shhhh!) to make sure that I can get back into the room.  I gently prize the door open doing my best to be as quiet as possible.  It's jammed in the frame.  I grimace as it lets go with a mild *pop* followed by squeaking hinges and the sound of a crashing wave as it strokes its arse over the rough industrial carpet.  Then all of that in reverse as I let the door slowly close behind me.  I find the communal toilets and for a YHA think to myself they're not in a bad condition.  Smell nice too!  ...

I slept in today.  Having cycled 63 miles yesterday with approx 2600ft of ascent.  But I feel really good :-)  I stirred and said 'mornin South Side..' cos he shared last night's twin room with me.  He replied with an, 'Eloodere!'  Eh?  I raised my face having muff dived the pillow all night and apparently, I've spent the night sharing a room with a Black and White Minstrel who'd forgotten to take his makeup off.   I think South Side Mark, or Mammy as I like to call him now, has caught the Sun a bit.  I catch him vigourously cleaning his teeth with a closed mouth whilst bent over the wee sink in the bedroom.  I tell him that the sound of it reminded me of my last visit to Bradford.  It took him 5 minutes to clean the toothpaste off of the mirror :-) We arrived in Tain after a spectacular ride down a busy A9 on a glouriously sunny day.  With a tail wind too.  Wow!  Day 3 bagged.  Three excellent days with sun, l...

A beautiful day's riding today.  Predominantly with cool airs, sunshine and a tail wind.  YAY!!  Heading south down along the A9 through the Berriedale Braes.  A notorious 1 in 7 hillclimb; an overgrown bastard child of Garrowby Hill back home.  From sea level to 800ft!!  The descent into Helmsdale chasing South Side Mark was 40mph of fun and fast!  Watch this short video which shows one of the idiots we have to contend with most days.  Yep I was absolutely peppered with gravel, rubber and brake dust as he locked the back end of his articulated trailer in a pawl of tyre smoke at over 40mph on the wrong side of the double whites!!  The wide angled camera lens does not show it half as close as it actually was!  FECKING DANGEROUS!! London Alan just cannot comprehend how a fat bloke can cycle up a hill, down a hill and on the flats faster than he can.  He's becoming obsessed with the size of my thighs!  Groping to feel the girth wh...