Fat Bloke on a Bike

Today was the first day I said 'wow!' I was on cycle route 7 between Callander and Strathyre where I effectively hit with my eyes a wall of purple blue flowers that even in the grey overcast late afternoon light, as though the mountains were draped in smoke, could not tone down.  It hit me hard and I let out a gasp!  God knows what I would have done if the sun had been shining. Gentle Giant David and his wife Fiona were fantastic.  David has such a soft lilting accent that anyone speaking to him would immediately feel settled and relaxed and in safe hands whatever state they were in.  Even an overcast day could not deteriorate his passion for his Bonsai trees (Ken I need to get you two speaking!).  Here they are with his trees and secondly one of David with his favourite (er I need to be careful how I write - sorry Fiona!).. So why title this blog Stress and Anxiety?  Personally, its what put the rather shitty icing on the end of my career last ye...

Again the scenery has changed.  No longer are the hills hard and rocky as were the Pennines a couple of days ago which spoke to me with '...so you think the Cornish hills were hard work lad..?  Welcome to Cumbria...' and other such warnings of days to come. I'm now surrounded by huge rolling hills with broad shoulders and long uphill grades that demand I go low and slow for a long long time.  Also now that the nights are much lighter.  The Sun seems less inclined, like a child on any school day, to go to bed on time.. Yesterday we set of from Moffat towards Glasgow.  Mark kindly says 'I want nothing from you.'  and... 'I'll ride with you to Glasgow to keep you company...'.  Then ' Just know that I want you to succeed...'.  I'm gobsmacked at the generosity and well wishes of every single one of you. So here we go Blues Brothers style as we prepare to leave Gill and Mark's home far behind.... Mark :  It's 66 miles to Glasgow....

I've never been one to do lots of research.  Having the experience first hand is generally much funnier than finding out about it in advance.  But next time I must look at nutrition just a wee bit closer... As I've said before, I've tried to be a good boy and miss out all of the crap stuff like bacon and more bacon during the ride.  Eat a hearty breakfast.  A ham and cheese sandwich for lunch.  Perhaps a bit of cake and coffee in the afternoon and a good two course meal in the evening.  Topped off with a recovery (protein and fructose) electrolytic bok bok when I went to bed. It all went tits up on my ride into Taunton.  In pressing along on a long days ride to see the world famous shrink wrapped Iron Bridge followed by the world's worst uphill climb into Telford, I arrive very late at night and Audrey II is smashing the place up demanding food.  The only option was to go into the chippy / pizza / kebab takeaway and immediately scoff 2 rather...

If you have joined this blog late you may be having the what? moment...  Or a what the hell does that mean?  I don't understand?  Weirdo! kinda thoughts and be thinking that I am all bad things to all people, especially children...  If you were to read from the start you would see how many of my thoughts and parts have developed but to help... Ma Boy - he's my right knee Our Lass - she's my left knee Bedroom doors - knee caps 5 Bar Gate - it's my bike - a Koga world traveller also with 80psi (5 bar) tractor tyres... Audrey II - she's my insatiable stomach Balloon Dog - he's my, ahem, balloon dog... My bits - they're generally very close to the balloon dog - you know - my bits.. Hairy Melon - she's my rear end and is also very close to my balloon dog and my bits and Brooks Brooks is the bike saddle - a nasty smoochy character with hard leathery lips Crap Nav - my challenging Garmin cycle computer that has been programmed by a twit. Sainsbury i...

Push push push.  My thighs strain the pedals on another uphill climb.  I'm glowing as though lightly wetted by a friendly shower.  With nose close to handlebars the Sun beats down on my arched back.  Be patient, be patient, don't look, don't check, for soon you will feel the sweet coolness of the breeze as you break through the lactic wall and crest the rise... I'm past half way!!!  YAY!!  641 miles done.  I'm on a countdown to JOG:-) Right, I'm now pretty sure of this.  There's no fecking downhill in the UK.  Anywhere.  No flat bits.  It's all uphill.  That's my overwhelming recollection of the ride so far.  But is this to be expected perhaps? The UK is a lumpy bumpy beast, especially to the west.  It may be flat and boring to the east but that is where no LEJOG'ers ever ride.  Down hill sections are covered at warp speed with trees, tractors and galaxies flashing past in an instant.  Over 30 MPH load...

Sunday was a short 30 something miler from Kirkby Stephen to Ruckcroft which is north of Penrith and not that far now to the Scottish border. I'll be paralleling the M74 on Monday.  South Side Mark from Moffat is cycling down to join me around Gretna Green for the ride back up.  No not in that will you Wayne take Mark to be your wedded etc...   Mark used to live in Brighton but moved to Moffat cos he got fed up with seagulls shitting on his car every day.  He has an eagle problem now.. This is the route for Bank Holiday Monday. This route mostly parallels the M74 towards Glasgow where we run along the old B road which is now a service road for the motorway.   Shame that one of them service roads does not exist on the A66 which I stupidly took for about 7 miles today.  Simply, riding the 5 bar gate downhill for most of the time at over 20MPH along a razor's edge wide strip of rough wobbly tarmac between the near side white line and the 4 inch ...

I love the wind.  It's one of those life affirming things that tells you that you are alive.  Along with warm spring sunshine and cold hard driving rain. 'The anti cyclone which is sat firmly to the north of the UK is keeping the weather settled and sunny.  However, a strong wind from the East / North east will prevail for the next few days...'  Thats the end of my crap Ian McCaskill impersonation.  I've probably got it all wrong anyway. I get out of bed, enter the kitchen and shou t 'Eskeewd beef!  Have anybody got any bokkle of oran doove?!!'   Di sits me down, gives me an orange juice and a lovely egg and bacon Lancastrian sarnie.  Hello Ian (Halloween) - who I now know is weird cos his little shop of horrors house is smothered with excellent hand made props and heads of all the baddies and nasties from cult movies.   Di sets me off from their Royston Vasey theme house with a bunch of pens into a...

I departed with the cool feel of northern rain on my apprehensive back.  It felt like I was on my way back home.  The sharp sting of cold water on determined legs and worried brow drove me to push to the end of the day... 'Great day for Ducks' I said to another biker on the way into Preston.  'Apparently for fish aswell' he says.  And I would not disagree.  Aretha Franklin was on the radio singing ' Think ' whilst I ate a healthy breakfast; a song that fits perfectly with the LEJOG journey. The first drops appeared as I loaded the panniers onto the 5 bar gate.  The ride started with slight rain around Wybunbury jut south of Nantwich.  However, by the time I arrived in Stretton just south of Warrington it was absolutely bucketing it down.  I had tried wearing my waterproof over trousers earlier but took them off as all they did was cling wetly to my hard working legs (yeah not waterproof) and kept jamming in the 5 bar gates chainwheel.  Th...

Last night I went upstairs to see the twins.  Both were still sobbing with red raw eyes after the previous day's thrashings. 'Come now children'..., I promise tomorrow I will not be the same...,  I will be a better daddy..' and with that I tucked them both into their warm tear soddened blanket and hairy duvet beds to settle them down to sleep with a little ibuprofen flavoured Calpol kiss to their heads.   As I gently closed their bedroom doors I whispered, 'so sorry...'. Like me the latest hotel was big, rundown and jaded having passed the prime of its life some time ago.  I walked  along a darkened corridor towards my cell as though pushing my tired legs through deep snow.  The bedroom doors passed either side, like cold empty homes, seen from inside the closed windows of a slow moving car, lit only by dim, tired streetlights. Thank God, I needed this break.  I was starting to look and feel like a bum on a bike.  I had not shaved for over 7...

The jacuzzi glistens with a barely rippled turquoise hue. Flowing like smooth molten glass atop a bed of hot tin.  I step in. The water sizzles and starts to hubble bubble toil and trouble as I rest my fevered legs, and other bits, into its welcoming embrace.  I feel the fizz of a multitude of jets originate off the back of my legs which rise and grow into embryonic baby Garrowby's that wrap themselves around my tight thighs....   Ahhhh.... The pool attendant shouts quizzically! ' Do you want me to turn the jacuzzi on mate? Today was sorely needed.  It was a shame that I could not continue the ride but the fact is that another 100 miler would have resulted me in being very late.  As in the obituary columns describing the late Mr Tyssen.  I could not stay another night at the White Horse Tavern as they were full so I had to move on. I desperately needed to find a laundrette as my bike was being dragged backwards by the mass of angry clothing that was...

It's 3am.  A tear hits my pillow. The Fire Detector and the Emergency light bathe the room in a pale green shine as though to try to settle my worried brow.  My legs, the overloaded mule that they are, are on the floor struggling to get up.  Screaming and braying for mercy.  I whip and thrash them within an inch of their lives.  I snarl "GET UP, GET UP!".  And they try.  But they can't. I'm weeping. The twins have been crying too.  A lot.  Both of their rooms are now full of tears.  Audrey II has gone.  I don't know where because that irritating but in its own way, loving  'feed me, feed me' is no more.  I have abused her, throwing everything and anything that would burn down the pipeline without a single thought about her.  She, like the twins, have only been there to do as they are told! To listen to their father.  They MUST NOT answer back.  I don't care that they are a part of me and that they love...

Good morning. I'm all good. I'm just short of time to write as yesterday from Taunton to Gloucester was huge plus the next two days are also long hard legs for this particular fat man to get oop north.  Yesterday was my biggest day ever ever ever.  Here's the numbers on my crap nav: Distance = 95 miles Ascent = 4200ft Calories consumed = 7500 kcal And since the start... Distance = 310 miles Calories consumed = 28236 kcal I'm on schedule... I'll do a proper update hopefully tonight. Oh, and the Larry video should now be working (thanks Kathryn...) Now where's my broken legs... aha! over there with my broken arse...

I woke up early this morning and pushed the dribbling snoring saddle off my face.  Marriage huh.. Anyway.  YEE HAAAHHH!!! I've done it!  Devon and Cornwall are behind me :-) Its time to say goodbye to the Baby Garrrowby's and sharp pointy hilly bits.  Today alone was 56 miles and 3500ft (if you believe my crap nav) of ascent.  Also over 5000 kcals used so probably 7000 needed to keep me working.  Wow!  This has been the biggest cycling day of my life!  I'm currently patting myself on the back... because my old spot has exploded like a creamy firework.  Yuck. My room last night was tiny in comparison with the other places.  I had to slip into the bed through the letterbox.  It was totally good though.  I really liked the Yeo Dale Hotel.   The manageress was chatty and quite interested in how the hell a fat man might actually do the LEJOG thing. Audrey II has now got her act together.  The back door conveyor w...

I woke up this morning surrounded by dead flies.  Seems the cream works. Audrey II was kicking up a right storm whirling the pots and pans around her basement kitchen like an over agitated poltergeist shouting 'FEED ME SEYMOUR, FEED MEEE!".  Nonetheless, she seems to have got into the swing of things.  As soon as I started to throw the bacon at her she gracefully caught it with her right hand and choffed it, and with her left was skillfully loading the remains of the day onto the back door conveyor.  Oooohhhh!  Shit!!!   She might be OK now but for God's sake we need to get into sync as she had me running for the dining room door gritting my teeth.... Bude is a lovely place.  It's at the bottom end of a county mile of Baby Garrowby's so do avoid cycling there if you can.  But do go.  It's light years further up the 'I wanna go there again' pecking order compared to Wadebridge which is swimming in the detritus of other crap overnight stay...

The Mucky Duck was a down in the doldrums pub.  Everything was jaded including the regulars. Our room though was in good nick. There I was, jammed in a faux leather seat with my laptop on a chair. The bathroom door was wide open giving plenty of light into the room.  Kathryn as usual was busy about the place firstly closing the curtains early as she does back home shutting out the daylight then turned off the room light.  She then frogged off into the bathroom, closed the door and left me in pitch blackness.  What the ffff!  Oi! Sadly, my high carbo fuel diet has turned my bum into a small wind farm.  Kathryn will vouch for that being that the duvet did not touch her all night.  I'm expecting to get the wind turbine installation guide any day now. We were woken some time just after midnight to the sound a local repeatedly throwing up in the street with a police dog barking encouragement at him.  Great place Wayne.  At about 6.30 I woke fe...

Woke up this morning with the Sun streaming through the curtains and the scaffolding.  My resolve again failed and again I opted for the full English.  Kathryn did not bat an eyelid as I think she's starting to feel sorry for this particular fat man now that she has driven many of the Cornish hills.  Let zem eat Full English breakfasts!.. she said in her bestest Marie Antoinette accent before buggering off on a state visit to the Great Gardens of Cornwall to check that all the flowers had opened on time and to get knotty with a rope bridge... I had a proper chinwag with the B&B owner and her husband John.  She told us about her love of rescuing hill ponies.  I'm still unsure whether she has got the clockwise or the anticlockwise type (that depends on which way round the hillside they walk).  John spent oodles of time talking with me about my cycle ride, the rides that he once upon a time used to do and we also got on the boating theme being...