Cycling NZ26 - Day 2 - What? You TOO?

 Its 5am Zulu. Theres something under my bed! Yes there is!  An intermittent noise like a rat in a loft or a snake in the grass or a bird in the bush!  But I don’t care. 

Well Wayne, that’s no way to start a cycling holiday. Feck me. FECK ME!

Oh the cramp in my left leg. Oh my God. The worst ever. And I still had 8 miles to go.  And today was meant to be one of the easier legs. 

It was a day of multiple punchy hill climbs not dissimilar at all as London Alan may recall to that cool wet hard days ride from Applecross to Gairlock when we did the north coast 500 back in 2019 wassit?  Except it is not cool and wet. Nah. 

David, David let me ask you. You’ll help here in the comments. You, a man from the posher end of the Glaswegian slag heaps that you call home. Yes you know those punishing hot summer days you have when riding in the Scottish Highlands don’t you?  What?  You don’t. What’s the Sun you say?  Hot days, hah?  Oh I’m sorry my friend for being so presumptuous. Dr’eek! is the best that you have?  Oh, sorry my friend. But go on. Imagine. Imagine what a hot west coast set of Scottish hills might be like should you ever suffer such a fate. Go on. Tell the readers and back my case up - please!

It’s a weekend so the ferry from Auckland did not depart until 1115 am. I’m stood at the back of the boat with my bike which is now buried under a pile of manky racing snake frames courtesy of the young ones who by nature are always late to pile on and who are probably riding the Tour Aotearoa going by the manky light weight kit thats been bolted on.  We are fair flying along producing one helluva rooster tail wake. Wow!  This captain and or his boat were once upon a time in the navy driving high speed destroyers in high intensity war games I recon. Just - where’s the gun?

I think I’m prepared. But oh no for sure I am not. Somehow I had missed breakfast today. Probably in my haste to get on the move. And then ended up on the wrong side of the security barrier waiting for the ferry so had successfully isolated myself from any nutrition. 

Here I met Ian. A nice and chatty New Zealander. Now retired, riding an e-bike which by the looks had his whole world strapped to it. Including the bathrooms bath. Full of good pointers he was though about what lay ahead.  Perhaps our paths will cross say I as he sped off on his electric non bike. 

I decide in Beachlands that I must eat something before I set off.  Somehow I end up in a bit of a swanky cafe.  I see something to do with chicken and rolls and chips on the menu so yep that’ll do. 

Living in such a beautiful country has had a zapping effect in the locals here. Wandering around with huge satiated smiles on their faces.  Fast service they just do not do. I’m forced to ask is my order ready and yes Sir she says, it’s on it’s way. 

Now what they gave me was delicious.  Perfect twice fried chips plus a plate of 8 chicken wraps. Beautifully presented tender albeit micro small gujons of deep fried chicken surrounded with a mix of shredded vegetables wrapped in verdantly crispy lettuce leaves bound together with a gossamer thin rice paper all sticky in a way that semi dry snot just might also be ‘cept it didn’t quite taste the same.  Well presented and with a fresh zingy dip to die for. 

Yeah I’m gonna be a dead man today. There I was looking for something quite calorific and whilst this meal was a delight there’s no way it’s gonna get me even half way up the next hill. 

It’s about 1 before I set off. It’s the worst time ever to set off. Not a cloud in the sky. Burning hot.  Like Spain on a hot summers day. Higher than average humidity too. 

The crap nav is a pain. It keeps reporting that I am off route and do I want to start at the beginning every 5 bloody minutes or so. Garmin are really trying to bust my balls by continuing to produce non-cycling friendly crap nav’s and sucker me just canna resist buying into the advertised sexiness of them. They’re like tit-less women. Of no use to man, nor baby. 

Punchy is the best way to describe the scenery. Mad motorists, many of whom are blind to the cyclist on their left hand side. I may as well be wearing a cloaking device so ignorant are they of cyclists wrapped up in everything flashy and bright. 

I reach my first town in the hills. Less than 15 miles from the start. I pile in to the corner cafe and all the staff stop and stare.  I could have just swam my way here so drenched with sweat were I. I order chicken fajitas plus coffee and was also asked would sir like some water too?

Having downed a much more calorific meal and about 4 pints of water I’m away following the coastline again towards what should be the one and only big hill. It’s now about 3pm. 

The scenery is a delight. I just can’t imagine why white folk decided to stay here when they ‘discovered’ this paradise. To this day the local Maori still keep saying will ye all fec off and giv us our land bec. I think that they have a point.  One final stop for a big ice cream just as I turn the corner into the big hill.  I decide to call the shorebird centre to report a late departure so probably a very late arrival.  No problem says Wendy. At least I’ve not cancelled yet. A very bad start if I did. 

Now Google and Garmin, both of whom I seriously think are in secret wireless collaboration with each other, told me that there was just the one hill. Honest Guv’nor.  At the end of this holiday I’m gonna rip the fecking lying waypoints out of them. Oh how they laughed as they watched whilst perched the handlebars this fat old man snorting and farting his way on a non e-powered bike to the top of each climb. To feel the wind come back and rip the sweat from my back was the only solace I could take in that I was close to the top of each climb. 

Down the other side with 12 miles to go I’m on the relatively in comparison flat but now with a gnarly head wind. And it is here that my body finally collapsed and the cramp set in. 

Now for the first time ever I got off my bike to push it. On the flat. Dogs raged at me from locked compounds being that this is the first time ever they have seen anything afoot never mind lugging such a beast of a bike. 

Theres a chippy next door to the motor home park and I stop for salt with red snapper and chips. I also order a cheese toastie as a take away as there are zero shops near here.  Here I meet Ian again. He’s camping tonight. His e-bike battery is dead as a dodo and there is no place where he can recharge it. Oh bugger. I say farewell to travel the last 4 miles to my digs and only then think you bloody idiot. You could at least have invited him to pop in tomorrow morning to recharge his battery. I dont have his number and the state I’m in means a detour back is so way off of the card table it would be unfunny if i had tried. Fecking dementia is on its way mate. No doubt our paths will cross again. 

I arrive at the shorebird centre at about 8pm. Wendy greets me cos even though it closed at 5pm she lives here in a camper van. My God she proclaims!  You’re on a bike!  I thought you were driving!  I told my tale of woe hoping for some sympathy but only saw the words you bloody old idiot writ large across her face. 

I sleep little when I tour cycle. In bed for 9 and quickly away with the fairies again. No dreams at all. No time for that luxury. Awake at 0130 zulu which was when you all were just about to have or had just finished lunch.  I lay there in reflection of my life and the day just gone. 

Wayne, time to wake up old man. You are too old, too fat, too unfit, too ambitious, too stupid to be undertaking such things. You bloody idiot. 

I curl up again with and take a long pull out of my electrolytic bok-bok. If I were a battery well right now I am a dead car battery needing to be plugged in like Kenneth Williams in Carry on Screaming. 

https://youtu.be/60y0vYxf7PA?si=wF2_1tReYOkHfLFR

I console myself that at least in the morning I will have a cold cheese toastie smothered with sachets of salt nicked from the chippy and a full pack of Oreo biscuits to eat for breakfast. 

I still need to find accommodation for Sunday night. 

Don’t worry TOO much old man. 

For tomorrow WILL be a glorious day 😊👍🏻

Ciao for now