Cycling NZ26 - Day 6 - Right Here. Right Now.

It’s 0240 am Zulu and I cannot sleep. My legs are screaming at me demanding to be fed. 

I crawl out of bed to retrieve the cold crumple of paper wrapped chips from the waste basket and start to eat the greasy nastiness from within the printless sheets. 

If I cannot sleep I must at least write a final letter before my execution at dawn.  To explain to you all why I am guilty of letting loose my thoughts, full of hairy melons and balloon dogs and Mr Softees and the like. 

I lay on my back with the small bed side table lamp projecting monstrous demon shadows onto my cell wall. I listen carefully to the beautiful music that’s being riven with full force into that space between my ears; a playlist specifically selected for this moment in time. 

I start to cry.  Not a sound out of me. Just rivulets of water cascading down my cheeks. Stoppit now Wayne, for you are dehydrated enough. Tears on your pillow sadly will not drown your sorrows in this life. 

I am alone. In my whitewashed cell. Eating my last meal before the long drop later today. Sentence has been passed and you will finally answer for what you have done one last time.  Repent, repent.  Before the sun shines again on your worthless body. Repent. Repent. 

You want to understand whats behind the curtains of my mind do you?  To understand why i write what i write?  To peel them back and expose all of the root causes?  So you might understand???

Why did I do it?  You want to know?  YOU WANT TO KNOW??

Yes you are right.  I have a lot to answer for before the day is born. 

I was born in 1962. Into a family of girls followed later by my little brother. I think into a loving family yet I have little recollection of feeling loved as a child. In many ways a shy child eager to do anything to please his parents. Forever looking for some kind of recognition for being a very good boy. A boy with a lot of responsibility thrust upon his young shoulders. A boy who grew up being teased by others for his shyness towards girls and a fear of babies. Unable to move past those horrid times. A boy who became a man never destined to marry. 

Yes being a bachelor seemed the best fit. A good man always seeking recognition for the good things that he could do. A man later in life who became a collector of waits and strays desperate to express through his help perhaps his love for them and for others.  With a huge desire to help everywhere, at home, at work, in play. 

Over the years I have tried, but nurture with perhaps a small dose of nature did not provide me with the necessary skills to move on from those terrible and fearful childhood days, of being able to and comfortable in expressing love to others especially women and through that find a potential partner in this life. 

Yes , yes that is the root of it. 

Over time I developed a protective shield so powerful that none could penetrate. It is one way traffic.  I give but am unable to receive. So strong is its construction. 

In the shadows on the ceiling I see my demons at play. Regret is their leader.  It screams at me every single day. 

You FOOL!  Why didnt you?  You should have!  What again?  Aw for fecks sake, Wayne. Were you born a bloody idiot!  AAARRRGGHHH!  RRARRGGHH!!! It circulates around me like a scalded cat. 

Yes I was. I must’ve been. A life full of missed opportunities. I can explain every single one of them to you if you ever need to know. 

Family used to whisper to me, you have time still, Wayne.   Don’t worry lad.  

I’m sorry but those times have now gone. I find myself momentarily in the street catching the distant screeches of children at play. Or a fleeting sound of that little girls screech and giggle as she runs away from her playful dad. It positively hurts my soul knowing to have missed out on such important moments in life. 

I’m in floods as I write. 😭

I got deep into my career. Waifs and strays. Yes I adopted every single one of them at work compounded by the fact that I was so desperate still to get the recognition. I had to be careful. Managerial. Driven. Timely. Focussed. Fact based. Professional. Trustworthy. Theres no fun in any of that. 

Work took over my life. I failed to circulate in places that would have given opportunity for the other things that were not work shaped nor flavoured.  Where did the time go?

The demons positively swell in the shadows above me. You fecking FOOL!  They scream at me, especially their ringleader at every opportunity.  Right here. Right now. 

Post my retirement a chink has appeared in my protective wall. A desire to express myself.  To not be serious all the time. To be silly. To have a bit of a laugh.

So a set of children have been born. My children, in lieu of the real thing. With whom I can play and have some fun.  With whom I can hide away with in this blog. 

Right here right now I am in pain. Regret has thrust his claws deep into my heart.  

Look LOOK! it cries as I watch folk of my age, the older ones but some of the younger ones too fight the good fight against their personal health related monsters with machinery and tablets galore.  The battlefield is strewn with dead bodies. So many have been lost. Failing to overcome, to win their personal battles. 

 

I scream at my brother - do not to let your son ever see the same life demons as me - for I could not wish for anything worse on someone I love. 

I look in the mirror every day as many of you do to and positively hate what I see. To visit the waters yesterday of the blue spring was a delight. The 82 year old boy serving me ice cream expressing how fast time has accelerated with every single year. Nonetheless a place with water as clear as liquid crystal gently swelling from the ground. Bathing verdant aquatic plant and animal life alike with its rejuvenating powers. I lift a sample of its waters in my brand new stainless steel bottle so fearful was I of contaminating it at birth with an older cup. 

I arrived in Mangakino yesterday in a thunderstorm. I stop in the downpour and raise the bottle to the heavens and scream at the God of thunder. I want another chance!  Please!  I want another chance and down every drop of the life giving waters in one go.

It’s 0422 Zulu. I go to the toilet and stare in the mirror. There’s no change. I lay on my bed. The demon regret circulates above me in the shadows. Too late old man. You had your chance. You FOOL!  You’re too late. With a RAAAWWWW!  It disappears into the night. 

You wanted to know so there you go.  Am I guilty for introducing my children into this world. Unlike my demons they will not hurt you. They may in fact make you smile.  Perhaps from time to time. 

So my question to you. Should Mr Softee, when facing the long drop at sunrise, fear the end of days just before hitting the water?  Or should we all give clemency and let him, balloon dog, hairy melon et all, including me, LIVE for at least one more day. 

Today.  Right Here.  Right Now.  I have arrived at the start of the important bit of my visit to New Zealand. For all else was only about getting to this place in time, in my life. 

For sure I was always the man who could do it. 

Ciao for now