Cycling NZ26 - day 10 and 11 - Holy Curried Pork Batman!

 I was awake at approx 0230 today but there’s Not a Zulu to be seen. 

There was no fecking way that lot were gonna follow me to the end of the Timber Trail. Renowned they may be at covering huge distances through the bush but nah they don’t have full sussy ebikes with them. Only mad dogs and old Englishmen do this poop with anything else you know.  It wasn’t sunny either!  I don’t need an excuse to be this idiotic. 

Talking of mad dogs there was a moment on the 7 mile long hilly gravel pit road of hell into Taumarunui where Farmer Palmer saw me from his quad bike with a herd of sheepdogs in tow. Where he said be careful of the dog just around the corner mit. 

Well this black muscly mutt trotted into view with what I would describe as a rather determined look on its chops sporting the biggest chain link chrome collar around its neck. Right at that moment in time if it had just passingly given me a bad look that dog would’ve ended up in hospital picking bits of a smashed up Surly Ogre bike and bum cream combo from its arse hole !  It’d be wishing it had worms cos there would be no way of removing any of my bike and bum cream combo by dragging its arse on the ground. 

Anyway that’s the Timber Trail nicely packed away into my memory box that is until the day it develops a leak. So to help when those days come and they surely will with both Alzheimers and dementia in my family elders, here is some vid of part 2. Hard still in places. But a much better day 😊🙏

Whilst sharing video I did this one only cos I found it very different to see proper big rigs driving through small town New Zealand. I could have been in some place / any place in the mid west of the USA. 

There’s many firsts in our lives. And they just keep coming. I’m in a rough downhill section of the TT within 10 miles of the finish when ZOOM!  A fecking wild pig shot out of the bush and sprinted ahead of me like a rather porky Usain Bolt with clogs on going by the sound. Man can those animals shift. Grey hairy body with black spots. Bit like me really.  I only just failed to get the sucker on video. It’d fecked off by the time Insta decided to play ball. It’s just too bloody hard to successfully twiddle with her buttons whilst riding one handed down a rough cliffside track. I need more practice with buttons whilst driving you see. 

The kindness of the folk around me is off the scale.  James on day 3 said I’d be most welcome to stay at his house should I make it to Wellington; Stu and his wife too who live in Whanganui I think cos they’d like to have a different dick to look at. Then folk who just give. The young lad who gave his ‘in credit’  credit wash card to an elder local in the Laundromat as he’s on his way to the UK for the summer.  Or the lodge owner up the road who agreed to give me a full refund when Booking.con wouldn’t.  Or the owner here at this motel who just could not have been more helpful in securing another nights stay. Back home many times its ‘na, feck off mate. You want your money back?  You’re having a laugh. Tough shit matey’ n all that nastiness. I am just overwhelmed here with kindness. 

Yeah all day I’ve been growling those deep guttural tones and fulsome coughs that if you heard me today would put you off warm jelly and custard for life. I’ve been going downhill since that warm marshmallow sleeping bag episode (a fever really), the joint pains and backache at the TT lodge and the significant loss of power in my legs. Today the sneezes have started - with a tingle behind my ears and then let loose like the Guns of Naverone. Yes, it was unsafe for me to move on up to 3000ft during the bad weather today whilst still sporting a bad cold and faulty knees.

A decision was made last night at another fork in my life. I am also breaking off the Kennet Brothers TA route. It’s grade 3 riding going forward which is tough on a good day. What with all the rain here and weather warnings then I would for sure sink to the bottom of the soft gravelly roads. All of them. Probably all the way home. 

But I still need to eat. The curry house was the nearest so that’ll do. 

Some things are meant to be. Some planetary alignment or such a thing. I arrive 30 seconds ahead af another couple and am offered the small window table. I hear the door close and hear a ‘Holy SHIT! Batman that fat bloke has gotten out table, darn it!’  Well I had not sat down and said no please you have this table. ‘Holy Cow Batman…’. Oh fecking shut up Robin, I’m contemplating assisted suicided via a Vindaloo enema tonight…

Robin was most insistent that I, the Joker, must join them at their table and not sit alone. Holy Starters Batman, are you having… oh shut up dear Robin will ya whilst I try to make this young boy waiter smile - just before pulling the biggest Max Wall gurn at the poor fella..

Holy Wedding Dresses Batman!  You came straight out and asked Wayne if he was married!  I’d have waited until the enema had been completed or the extra strong  mint kulfi had kicked in cos for sure I’d be in need of a new sidekick come kicky outee time!  And he’s my man!

What a lovely lovely evening. Honest conversations about our purpose in this world / this universe. How insignificant we perhaps are and what a to do!  I might be dead in the morning said the batty man. 

Well you might’ve guessed Batman had a bad day at the office today. And every other day since his forced emigration here as a 9 year old somewhere back in the 40’s I guess. An ex Brummie with a wardrobe full of Kipper ties when all he ever really wanted was something hot to drink. Such an open and honest conversation where we spoke about fears and hopes and of times now passed and of future days with so little time but still lots to do. 

Robin leans over and whispers ‘theres nowt wrong with him. It’s just the time of his life’. Yes I know says I. And one day God willing I will harbour such thoughts. But not yet, not yet. 

Barry, sorry Batman who was amongst things a school Headmaster in his earlier life holds his hand out and for such a slender old boy crushes mine with his vice like grip - and my soul with his huge smile. Perhaps the conversation helped settle the day. For sure it did me. And Robin. A lovely erudite lady who forevermore will be Batman’s sidekick🙏

So tomorrow I’m taking the road route. Via Raetihi. Then the next day to a place on the coast called Whanganui, a place where men go to collect their penis extensions. Do not worry dear reader the traffic here is so light you wonder why the hell they ever went to the expense of building such structures.  However I just need to watch for the truckers, many of whom apparently are stark raving lunatics. If I hear a Jake brake over the squeal of my dirty callipers then I’m getting off!  Anyway that’s tomorrow’s problem. 

Right now I feel the cold rising. It’s off my chest and now in my head. A place with loads of spare room. 

Good. I should be ok to go in the morning 😊👍

Ciao for now