Cycling NZ26 - The good news and....

Whoever it is, will you PLEASE stop greasing my wheels!  It seems like only moments ago that I told the world through this blog and my poo tube videos that the New Zealand ride was really going to happen this year.  I promised myself that under no circumstances would I put any pressure on myself because the very LAST thing I wanted was to re-introduce those ex-work stressful thoughts and feelings just before setting off.  

Bless, I have tried and surprisingly YES, everything is starting to fall nicely into place.  However, the XXL Craghopper lightweight shirt ordered last week arrived today but it is still a might too 'spray on' when stretched over my more than ample non cycling friendly bulk.  Damn.  Same goes for my XXL Speedo 'Parrot Mugger' shorts going by the noises ma boys are making in the tightness of them all.  I think I'm gonna have to go up another size else risk frightening grannies and small children by exposing the worlds biggest pencil sharpener should I ever attempt to touch my toes in an airport lounge.  

Replacement dare you ware items are now ordered.  They are not desperate for the journey, more nice to haves, yet the feeling of excitement, nay apprehensions, would cause my hairs to stand on end if I had any on top of my bald pate.  For sure I do NOT want those horrid stress related horrors which emerged just prior to my early retirement to ever re-appear again.  

Whilst these final items are a bit tingly, the really good news is that Kathy Pathetic, you know, the airline that flies from Manchester to Auckland every day, has finally confirmed that my bike, all 22kgs of it - packed into a rather large cardboard shipping container - is also now booked on the flight!  YAY! 

Another bad news item though is that as best as I try I am NOT getting sufficient training miles in on my bike.  Yes the weather is milder but so bloody damn wet.  However, I'm eating like a non-hibernating circus bear who is about to set off on a trans continental unicycle ride.  That might explain the tightness as it is normal for me to put a smidgen of weight on at this time of the year.  As Paul Daniels might have said - 'not a lot!' - but enough to tip me back into the big mans stuff. 

However, what goes in must come out.  I stare at Mr Softee in the toilet most mornings and wonder why even after 3 flushes and a good kicking he still lingers in the U-bend.  It's cos the river Ouse is up innit?  Nah, it's Audrey II.  I think she's been saving outbound baggage in her lost property department post my Christmas blood sugar destroying extravaganza.  Yes, I thought something was not quite right the day I interrupted her nose deep in the meringue and cream Eaton Mess of a thing blowing out the fluffy bits with a 'whoh?' as she lifted her cake hole when I told her of this years plans.   

Nah, it's not her either.  You either need to reduce your post Christmas cheese intake Mr Tyssen - or buy yourself a bigger toilet.  

Nonetheless I continue my grind on the now repaired magnetic trainer.  Yes I'm still in the dark in more ways than you can think of but have made an effort to de-risk a repeat session with my fondant fancies whilst getting down hot and dirty with Dawes in the kitchen.  

So to help keep me safe I think it a great idea to leave the refrigerator door, which lies adjacent to the magnetic trainer, open and so give me a bit of a cool light by which I may navigate safely on my bike.  With the added benefit though of a chilled mix of airs and cheesy smells to help reduce the need for a drip tray and to also comfort me about what cracking delights lay ahead post this evenings ride. 

To reduce the boredom I also set up a computer monitor in the kitchen to play something like this as I cycled along.

Nah, I had to give up on that too because as best I tried I could not get my iPhone to send the sound to my bluetooth headphones and the picture to the screen.  I could have one but not the other.  

The alternative was to attach the small iPhone screen to the handlebars and watch from there.  Which is exactly what I did.

All sorted.  The great news is that the cycling video's always come with a nice fast cadence piece of music overlayed on the beautiful imagery and so I canna wait to get a spurt on.  I pull my Parrot Muggers up and clip on with my new MTB shoes which have, I'm unhappy to say, a BOA type fastener.  I hate snakes!  

30 or so minutes in I'm all head down and arse up with my tongue out.  I press my nose deeply into the dark bushiness that overhangs the side of the ‘on screen’ valley which was to all intents and purposes now within licking distance.  The scenery flies past at 100 MPH.  Yeowwww!  A downhill!  I reduce the magnetic tension and spin my legs just as fast as they will go!  Wooooh!

In the moment I close my eyes.  I savour the feeling of thrusting myself deep and fast into the scenery.  I imagine I am there, oh yes, I am there, oh yes, YES!  I - am - NEARLY - THERE!

I suddenly snap out of that particular day dream and open my eyes wide, inches away from the phone screen, just as the scenery hits a fast tight downhill left hander!  I toss myself off into the Fromage-Frais finishing with a GAHHHH! all crumpled like with my head deep between Mademoiselle Frigo's white bits and my face pressed deep into her black forest gateau.  

Having failed to sharpen any pencils today I then suddenly notice with a 😳 that Audrey II in her anger of not being given enough notice to prepare her boiler room for an extra early cycling holiday has just hit the green button on her old Greek airport baggage conveyor loaded this time with old Christmas chocolate logs.  I pull my face out from the gateaux and I'm away prompt like to the toilet whilst doing impressions of a black and white minstrel singing 'Mammy!'. 

I know where the sun shines best.  

And no - it's not out of my pencil sharpener.

Ciao for now.