Scotland 2025 Day 11 - Delirious (part 1)

(This is based on a true situation….)

I have a story to tell. Of a man who went tour cycling. Who today is locked up in a mental asylum.

Here’s it is …

I knew things were going wrong the day I entrusted him to look after the route planning. The risk of death en route like as happens to the unwary who attempt to scale mount Everest for the very first time, was high. Not me though. I am a confident mountain cyclist and anyway had taken this route before. Sadly the deterioration of my energy left me exposed to the planning assessment made by others and their preparations for the team’s ascent. I just no longer gave a damn. Bugger the planning. Let someone else do it for I have had enough already! So I thought…

Firstly I departed base camp 5 in Fort Augustus to explore the delights of the meagre washing facilities at the Spar cum filling station (snigger) at base camp 4. It’s a place just beside the Caledonian canal’s sweep of outward bound locks. The provisions store opened at 8 am prompt which was great timing as I could have a small ration of a sausage sarnie (yum!) an Americano coffee and a pan of chocolate or something like that ‘cept I never did get a pan whilst the washing and drying was done. No longer shall people faint in my presence, well at least not for the next 3 days or so…

Here is a photo of the laundry facilities.



Many more mountains would be attempted if there were more of these suckers around. Worked really well 😊👍🏻

I climb back to base camp 5 to find the team had woken and were ready for the off. One more visit to base camp 4 to draw provisions was needed as LA (as I will refer to him for anonymity) had planned the ascent and informed me the next provisions were at base camp 6 some 10 miles away. Being full of sausage and chocolate I decided I was OK to get there without further input. LA though came out of the store loaded with stuff. For example a pack of Nespresso Coffee capsules - his favourite, a kinder surprise cos everyone likes surprises don’t they and in the mix of other non consumables were two freshly made crisp n crunchy tuna salad sandwiches.

We set off. The route to base camp 6 starts off relatively flat before ascending vertically in a way that would bend Elon Musk’s heed back if he were ever to watch one of his rocket launches.  The scenery is stunning. I select my lowest gear. The mule jumps and shudders as though a heavy diesel truck engaging crawler gear on the grade. And up we go.

We’re 12 miles in and I’m starving. Its been hard graft to this point. I ask LA over the radio phone where is the provisions store cos I quite fancied a coffee and a bit of cake? To which in the crackly reply LA says it’s still 12 miles to go fatty!  What!? I retort. Well things went metaphorically downhill from this point. I asked Lon... Oops sorry I mean LA to break out the emergency crunchy tuna sandwiches. He refused stating that they were his!

I go past base camp 6 which had nothing to gnaw on. Not even a tree. We are now that high up and I have no choice other than to press on in the hope of finding something edible to eat and liquid to drink. Even a Scottish coffee would be rather nice so desperate am I.

I am cold with sweat and the air is thinning. LA has not yet reached base camp 6 and the radio communication is fading fast.

I’m parched. The hunger rips my soul. I press on in the hope of finding something to eat and drink. I’m on the side of a mountain where the lonely trees jut out at 90 degrees to the grade. Or so it seems as I crawl along on my belly wearing crampons (which are guaranteed to give you cramp) and ice axe in hand with my now dead mule tied to my feet.

Then I spy them. Two old folk heading towards me. Burdened with heavy sacks on their backs. Of Tescos shopping perhaps underneath their waterproof covers?? With Nordic walking poles in hand.  As it turns out they’re members of the York Nordic walking group who have become lost and can’t remember their way back to the nursing home. I call out have you got a spare sandwich to which the old man replies with a cheery shake of his stick no sorry. And away down the mountain they walk.

I am delirious with hunger. Audrey II is dead. Her shovel hands rest limply on the carousel start button not having any energy in them even to put her finger in the hole. Exhausted by the lack of inbound good stuff on the chute she in desperation had taken a big bite out of the remains of the previous day that had piled up on the greek airport baggage carousel. So big the bite she had choked on the unearthly inedible mouthful of post digestion apple pie and was unable to spit it out as seen here on the boiler room security cameras. We catch her in her final moments ..,

I am sorry. Too gruesome to watch isn’t it 😞

I call LA on the emergency satellite radio beacon and demand that he releases at least one of the amazingly crunchy tuna sarnies to me. How mouthwatering the thought of nourishment only a short radio call away. He again refuses.  I cough and try to spit the dry earth from my mouth and press on up the precipice. I see a monochrome world through black and white eyes having been shown by London…. er sorry LA how best to save energy on an iPhone which I thought would work for me too. My time is nearing its end. I might not make it to base camp 7…

The wind howls through the shredded Scottish flags that cover this desolate place. I spy two more folk ahead. Young Scots going by their bite marks as they tried to eat my mortal remains.  There is no point in asking. I am close to death. I croak to her how LA had refused to issue emergency rations and whilst trying to bring me back to life by gently blowing on the dead remains of balloon dog she raises her head, gives me an aw pyou poor thing look just before finishing me off. 

Her other half just says that's not nice before the two of them walk away, me sucked dry, her satiated by my precious bodily fluids and him, a dog walker saying I just didn’t think you had it in ya. I seem to recall I recognised him from Riccall…

With my dying breath I pointed my bony finger at LA and asked them both to give him a jolly good telling off but not quite in the same way as she just did to me. 

Did I make it? You will find out in the next episode. 

Ciao for now.