Scotland 2025 Day 3 - The Ten Commandments

I for one am no Moses. I’ve only ever suffered a burning bush courtesy of some dim and distant girlfriend - and I’m not talking about it happening a long time ago here.  Nonetheless being a religious pie eater with my own sackcloth wardrobe pie symbolism clothing designs and someone who lives in a shed with a shrine to all things biking I thought it time to write down the Ten Commandments by which I live my bicycling life.  Here ya go!

1. I AM THE LORD THY BICYCLE: THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE RECUMBENTS BEFORE ME.

COMMANDS: faith, hope, love, and worship of bikes; reverence for holy things - like saddles with cutouts that give relief to one’s perennium. Ahhhh-men!

FORBIDS: idolatry; superstition; spiritism; tempting God; sacrilege; attendance at false worship of anything other than your bike especially tandems and other 3 wheel faux bikes. 

2. THOU SHALL NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY BIKE IN VAIN.

COMMANDS: reverence in speaking about your bike; the keeping of oaths and vows of maintenance and repair

FORBIDS: blasphemy; the irreverent use of God's name; that is until something suddenly breaks at the most inopportune of time and place. Calling out his son JESUS! by name is permitted…

3. KEEP WEEKEND BIKE RIDES HOLY.

COMMANDS: going to a nice cafe for cake and coffee on Sundays and other holy days of obligation when not gardening. 

FORBIDS: missing bike rides through one's own fault; such as not fixing punctures and failing to oil one’s chain.

4. HONOUR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER.

COMMANDS: love; respect; obedience on the part of children; for failure to do so will result in no bike on Christmas day. 

FORBIDS: hatred of parents and superiors; disrespect; disobedience once Christmas day has passed - unless no bike is presented on Christmas day. 

5. THOU SHALT NOT KILL.

COMMANDS: safeguarding of one's own life and bodily welfare and that of others unless thou hast been ‘cut up’ by another road user - especially RANGE ROVER drivers. 

FORBIDS: unjust killing; suicide; abortion; sterilization; dueling; endangering life and limb of self or others except for exactly the same reason as above. 

6. THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

COMMANDS: chastity in word when writing stuff into a cycling blog. 

FORBIDS: obscene speech; impure actions alone or with others unless describing how one hast dealt with a Booking.com or Tesco customer service agent. 

7. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.

COMMANDS: respect for the property of rights and others; the paying of just debts to bike shops.

FORBIDS: theft; damage to the bikes of others; not paying repair debts; not returning found or borrowed bike pumps; giving unjust measure or weight in selling racing bikes; not paying just wages; bribery; graft; cheating; fraud; accepting stolen property unless dealing with Booking.com; not giving an honest day's work for pensions received; breach of contract by living longer than the pension fund managers ever thought I might. 

8. THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THY CAR DRIVING NEIGHBOUR.

COMMANDS: truthfulness; respect for the good name of others; the observance of secrecy when required especially if you’ve accidentally scratched his car paintwork when trying to squeeze down the side of it after riding home from the pub. 

FORBIDS: lying; injury to the good name of others; slander; talebearing; rash judgment; contemptuous speech and the violation of secrecy - unless riding in a peloton. 

9. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOUR'S BIKE.

COMMANDS: purity in thought even when contemplating just how fecking beautiful his bike is…

FORBIDS: wilful impure thought and desires unless his bike is festooned with a Shimano GRX group set. Phwoarrr!

10. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOUR'S GOODS.

COMMANDS: well it’s not really needed is it?  See commandment number 9 - cos what else is there?  

Here endeth the lesson. 

Amen.

Ciao for now..