Shoot Me, Please!

AARRGGHH!  It's driving me mad!  HELP!  Please make it stop!  It's hurting!  Oh woe is me!  Please!  Make it GO AWAY! AAARGH!!

It does not matter what I do.  Whatever I try it's too late.  There's not a vaccine nor an antibiotic out there that can help me now.  I've been infested with a fecking big ear worm that's writhing about on the inside of my head.  Gorging itself on the grey porridge matter that I used to call my brain.  And I canna get rid of it.  

I awake every morning with the fat fecker tumbling around inside of my mind.  When I'm sat on the toilet too.  In every quiet moment it raises its ugly head.  When watching the boring non-news.  Whilst cooking tea.  Even whilst writing today's blog.  I scrape at the bare skin atop of my head and down my jowly cheeks leaving reddened finger nail trails as though slugs with razor feet have slid across my head.  I am SO weary of it.  Oh please make it go away.  Please.  Please.  PLEASE!  

Well, I blame London Alan cos we went to and so I added to my last blog the bloody song, 'Down to Margate'.  Feck it - that terrible jaunty tune from the 80's pop duo Chaz 'n Dave from Saf Laandaan keeps tumbling on a short tape loop around and around and around in my mind.  Like this...

[whilst watching TV, suddenly] ....'Dahn to Margit.. tum te tum te tum te tum te tum...  [long pause..]       .. Dahn to Margit...  tum te tum te tum te tum te tum..  [then faster..] Dahn to Margit!.. tum te tum te tum te tum te tum..  [LOUDER!]   DAHN TO MARGIT! tiddly um te um te um te um te um....    AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!  PLEASE!  FECKING SHOOT ME!  PLEASE!

The monotony of riding a bike for sure gives one loads of time to housekeep the grey matter.  Whilst cycling the brain can be left to its own devices and so get busy with the background work.  Riding a bike generally involves flipping the autopilot switch as soon as one sets off leaving the other mindless tasks running in the background.  Like watching Audrey II serving the latest inbound chute concoction of coffee and cake to the cellular passengers in my overloaded wide bodied jet - which is like a jet, in a similar way that a chrome wrapped brick isn't.  

A lot of tidying up is done as background tasks putting stuff away and throwing out all of the trash.  Generally tidying up the place which I must also do with my house before London Alan arrives this coming Saturday.  The result is that there's a lot of empty space, well a fair bit emptier than normal as some folk would have it, into which, if you are not careful, the wrong type of tenant will move.  Yeah I'm the stupid fecker that gave the worm the keys to the flat as soon as I wrote my last blog entry.  YOU IDIOT, WAYNE!  ..tum te tum te tum te tum te tum... GAH!

And so that is it.  All done now except for a few more conditioning rides out.  The start of the big one is almost upon us.  John O Groats to Lands End (JOGLE) starts next week.  We take the train to Inverness this coming Sunday.  Then we will be battling other passengers with luggage and bicycles onto the worlds smallest service train running to the very top of Scotland next Tuesday for the off.  Jamming bikes and panniers into skirt encrusted legs with the resulting Och! Och! Och! sound of Scottish men tossing their cabers in the furore of a smashing shin fight with the bikes.  It's gonna get messy.  

This is all simply cos SCOTRAIL have started to work to rule so our booked on midday train has been cancelled.  We're gonna end up on the train roof beating the most colourful and angry ones off with our pumps.  Grrrr!  

We'll now arrive in Thurso Tuesday evening so will have a very late 40 mile loop of a ride to John O Groats to bag it.  That should not be too much of a problem cos that far north at this time of the year, well we're almost in the land of the midnight Sun.  Getting dark it does not do.  Bike lights will not be needed.  

Wednesday is when the ride in a southerly direction starts with us hitting Inverness before the weekend, Glasgow by the end of the following week and finally into Lands End by the 21st of June.  

Here's our itinerary.

Because we're all retired, me, London Alan (who will leave at Carlisle and rejoin at Bristol), South Side Mark (who will do all of Scotland) and David the Gentle Giant (who will do the Inverness to Glasgow section) can take this amount of time.  Two weeks is doable but a fecking proper hard grind for younger folk who still work and so only have 2 weeks leave in which to do it.  I am the youngest but with me and Mark hitting 60 this year and Alan and David already in that space, well, we do need to look after ageing bodies for fear of dropping dead en route - or at the end.  

And IF my legs still feel good I may then catch the same trains as London Alan back to his gaff in Herne Bay, ride to Margate, borrow a winkle picker and aggressively dig the ear worm out of my shell and feed it to the fecking gulls, before cycling back home to York.  Which will be a change to the road kill dead rabbit meat that they've been living on to date.

Rabbit? Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit. Yup, yup rabbit, yup, yup, yup rabbit, bunny, rabbit, rabbit!

Aaaagghhh!   Feck it.  Sling the rubbish back in, Wayne.  You just might be able to crowd Chas 'n Dave out.  

Ciao for now


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