Ay-up! Now-then...

How-ist?  Well I hope that you 'ist' good.  Yes, amongst all of the colloquial greetings I was struck by the firm "Ay-up" from the old tweed encased gent given to me the other day outside of Stillington's post office whilst Audrey II was masticating on one of their sandwiches.  As though my mouth was full of cotton or bedsheets, although I cannot remember the last time I had a mouthful of bedsheets, I retorted with a muffled "Now-then" (hello) as I blew bread crumbs all over the old boy.  And no that's not a euphemism for ANYTHING else!  

Well in fact I wanted to tell him about the fantastical ride out the previous day.  Oh how I would like to bleat on about my suffering in the Howardian Hills, into a headwind, with a BMI of 38.  C'mon now there must be someone out there who will give me some sympathy.  No - not a fecking chance mate.  You are responsible for both problems in that there is no-one else out there shovelling si ht into your cake hole nor whipping yer backside to go on long rides on yer bike.     

My longest ride so far this year, a 63 or so miler, had taken me out into the Yorkshire wolds.  A high rolling chalk landscape where young men with hairy palms, big teeth, flappy ears and flat heads, will normally greet you with a 'Wah-noo-then!' - this being the more East Yorkshire'ish greeting to folk just before tromping off into the hills to find some ewes to 'tup' (noun - to shag).  Then I'm away across the Howardian Hills to Brandsby bank - a bloody big steep hill - but downhill today.  Then to Crayke on the long return leg where apparently the Grand Old Duke of York marched 10,000 of his men to the top of the hill.  And back down again.  Well if you've got an army then why not go outside and play with your soldiers, eh Mr Putin?  

The long way back to York was via Alne, Tollerton and a long rough bridleway that runs along the perimeter of the Linton on Ouse RAF base where my Uncle Con, bless his soul, used to take the fillies for a good tuppin! (verb - to mate with a EEEEW!)  Aw gawd.  I'm riding across land once used as a dogging paradise by his nibbs back in the day.  Bork!

Click here to see the route.

Somewhere on route, I cannot remember exactly where but probably whilst crossing one of the many council estates, I spotted a young EEEEW!  She was about 16, perhaps 17 with tight pull backed hair that gave her a permanent smile, wearing tight nicker elastic - and not a lot else.  I recall her breathing in as she walked along to pull the puppy fat out of the way as she looked hard down over her now extended cleavage at her nether regions like wot I did the other week.  I presume to check her testicles too....  You never know nowadays do you.    

Likewise I did similar later that day.  Simply because the 'to me - to you' sensation had subsided of late.  I heaved out my elasticated belt and looked down and yep, ma boys, you know - the chuckle brothers - were still there, still atop Balloon Dog but the medicine ball was somewhat worn down.  It was now highly polished and the size of a conker.  Oooh 'eck, the friction must be immense!  Where the feck had they put the remains of the day?  Perhaps like in the Great Escape they'd trickled it out through my short trouser legs into the road as I sped along.  Yes perhaps.    

Well the good news is that the problems that beset me at the end of March have now all gone.  Ma boys and the dog have taken some interesting curled up together positions in the dog basket but at least they now sleep as I cycle along.  Ma Boy - my right knee - and Our Lass - my left knee - still from time to time stick something sharp into their bedroom walls but again I think that they know that there is no way they're gonna stop me from doing the JOGLE thing and so are also settling down.  Who'd have guessed.  The BBC says that exercise is good for reducing Arthritis.  Click here to see their. news article.  

And finally good 'ol Hairy Melon, who I now affectionately call Gripper, has stopped dribbling.  She's got herself 'in-sync' with Audrey II but generally spends the days now with her lips tightly pursed.  I swear that every time I get off the bike nowadays there's a small pop as though a cork has been removed from a bottle of Champagne. 

My legs are feeling strong.  Thighs, hamstrings, calves and buttocks.  All as hard as iron.  Back to back 40 / 50 milers now are no problem, even in the hills.  I'm starting to rack up the miles, a lot more than I did I think for the practice miles in 2018 for the LEJOG thing.   I hope that I do not suffer as much as I did for the first week or so back on that mega ride.  You have problems cracking walnuts?  Getting lids off tight jam jars?  Give them to me / Gripper - sorry Hairy Melon - and she'll sort them for you.  No problem!

My April rides so far have taken me everywhere in North Yorkshire.  Big rides out.  To the coast.  Along old railway tracks and bridleways, some in proper crap condition.  Past old platforms that feel warm in the spring sunshine.  That once upon a time were used by many folk for their local commutes - all now constrained to history.  

Some photo's to share, the first one being of the new pastry, you know the old east coast railway line from York to Riccall which has finally, finally been repaired / upgraded and now rides as smooth as silk :-). 

As well as riding routes bike and cycleways you will also find me on lots of bridleways irrespective of their condition, as follows.  I need to get that blimmin mountain bike sorted ASAP!

I'm sat in the office today finalising the GPX files for London Alan, Southside Mark and David the Gentle Giant.  Something for them to load into their Crap Navs in case mine decides to die on the journey.  Which going by past experience - it WILL.  

There's only 4 weeks to go before we set of on the long train journey to John O Groats for the start of another marathon 1000 mile ride to Lands End.  All accommodation and travel is booked and in the bag.  Not a lot else to do other than finalise the preparation of my heavy 20 stone body.  The ride starts on the 31st May and God willing I'll be back home for the 22nd June.   That is unless I decide to go back to Kent with London Alan, have a day off and then cycle the 250 miles back home to York.  

As I've said many times before I was born an idiot.  It's only got worse from that day on.  Nonetheless, things are coming together and I'm really starting to look forward to the journey :-)

Si-Thee (Ciao for now).