Life is like a box of chocolates

That's strictly not quite right.  Forrest Gump - whilst waiting on the bench to catch the bus - in fact spoke about how his mum said that "life was like a box of chocolates".  I agree.  Although I don't want to get into the past participle phase of my life just yet.  

On reflection looking back at my life, well for sure I could never have predicted what I got.  Not enough soft centres.  Too many nuts!  Who would have thought that I would get to this stage of life as a bachelor with enough nutty experiences behind me to put me off chocolate for life; to be retired and happily spending time riding my bike?  Writing about it and doing the other things in life that aren't work shaped nor flavoured.  Which I never knew I would cos for sure I don't have a crystal ball.  Just keep going old man.  You don't know what's just around the corner.  

The carpet fitter was a no-show so that left me with an afternoon to fill.  I'm sat on a bench in the garden on a mild and pleasantly still spring day with plenty of cloud cover between my ears and with a Terry's Chocolate Orange in my lap.  After tapping and unwrapping it I had a moment of realisation that there's not a lot of time to go in many respects but specifically that I needed to build the practice miles on my bike cos the JOGLE thing is only 10 weeks or so away!

It was now well past 1pm so I decided to go for a short ride on my bike.  

I got to the end of my street.  When I got there I thought maybe I'd ride to Naburn.  When I got there I thought maybe I'd ride to Wheldrake.  When I got there I thought maybe I'd ride to Buttercrambe.  When I got there I figured since I'd got this far maybe I'd just ride across the great flatlands to the north of York.  And that's what I did.  I rode clear across the north side of York near Easingwold.  No particular reason.  I just kept on going.  I rode a huge loop all the way back home.  

Some 56 miles in all.  Along cycle tracks, roads, bridleways and back home the long way through the centre of York.  4.5hrs cycling.  Over 4000 kcals.  Still 'sprinting' at 20 mph on the final stretch home.  Averaging 12 mph overall which ain't at all bad with Koga the 5 bar gate still wearing her tractor tyre sized wellies.  Not bad at all Wayne, not bad.

Talking about tractor tyres, well there I am cresting a short spiky hill near Buttercrambe at the base of the Yorkshire Wolds.  I hear across the hedgerows deep growls and rumbles from something big and diesely.  I turn the corner and come square on with the worlds biggest tractor side on across the road trying to reverse into a greasy field.  It wore the world's biggest tractor tyres.  6', 7', 8' bunch!  The driver looked like he was sat in his first floor bedroom window trying to reverse the thing.  Huge torque from the engine which throbbed in vain whilst twisting the tyres off its axles as it tried to push the worlds biggest trailer full of muck into the field.  WOW!  How much power?  Twenty-five, perhaps thirty tons all up?  Its huge wheels turned greasily on the slippy chocolate fondant and cack covered road as he rocked the whole mess of a thing back and forth to get over the earth shaped entrance hump...  

His brother / colleague / inbred cousin was at the field entrance watching the whole dancing on ice mess as it pirouetted back and forth on the spot.  I acknowledge to him that I would wait.  He nods back.  I shout "would you like me to give it a push?".  I'm sure he did his best to ignore me...

Anyway like watching a Russian tank trying to rive out of a muddy Ukrainian ditch he finally made it which cleared the road and allowed me to press on.  

Now as I've said before it's impossible to ride up a hill whilst laughing.  There I am up in the pedals on a final steep bit.  Riding a bike normally gives me plenty of time to think about this life and my errored ways.  I think back to what I've just seen and said…

'...Would you like me to give it a push...' I mutter to myself... just before cracking the biggest grin and losing all the strength in my legs as I burst out laughing!   

I try to breathe!  Air!  Oh God!  I need Air!  On one lung and with wobbly legs red faced and gasping I somehow make it to the top whilst tittering in between gobfuls of air.  For sure that was a rather nice caramel and rum flavoured chocolate moment in my life :-)

Ok whilst talking about chocolate box moments that make you smile.  I'm keeping this one anonymous so as to avoid any embarrassment.  

Earlier this week I was asked by a good friend if I could at all help take her daughter to her physio session.  Which meant a drive to Leeds to pick her up then across to a place near Leeds Bradford Airport for the session and then back to Leeds.  Yes, of course I could.

I'd not seen her daughter for some time.  How proud she was of her super lightweight wheel chair which was carefully disassembled by this idiot and put in the boot of the Range Rover.  Treatment done and on the way back to Leeds I say, 'Well you've got me for the afternoon is there anything you would like to do?'  I couldn't think of anything much worse than taking her home and leaving her alone in her apartment.  So perhaps a wander around a park or a visit to a shopping centre might be nice as it was for sure a lovely day.  

We arrive at the White Rose Centre.  A huge edifice of a shoppers paradise crammed with millions of delectable chocolate coated fondant filled shopping delights.  I park up and get the wheel chair out of the boot.  Reassemble it and away we go.  All very nice lah-de-dah wandering around a quiet shopping centre chatting about lots and generally having a really nice afternoon out.  With new socks in a bag it's time for a drink.  

The watering hole was upstairs.  We grab a lift.  You know one of them glass cubicle things in the centre of the mall.  Up we go.  We're the only ones in it with a panoramic view looking out at the shopping wildebeests roaming across a huge indoor porcelain veldt.

It's such a lovely nimble wheelchair.  Keen to show me how good it was she flips it up onto its back wheels.  Just a little rise before it settles back down again.  Be careful says I.  Then another one.  This time with a bit more power and I watch in slow motion as the chair goes up and ... over!  Gasp!  Shock!  Horror!

Out she tumbles from the back of the chair onto the ground.  Quite a soft roll really onto the lift floor but hell fire!  Jesus!  I carefully lift the shocked young woman back into the chair and dust her off.  The lift door opens and out we roll...  into the food court.   With a hundred people staring at us...

Oh dear... yes this fecking idiot had failed to click the anti-wheelie bar back into position when I put the chair back together....

LOL!!!  Oh dear I think I've just wet myself writing about it as I wipe the tears from my eyes!  😂😂😂.  Oh, please bring back Laurel and Hardy!  LOL!!!

What a shock though for me - and for you know who.   But all was good really.  We had a very good laugh about it.  She's so fragile nowadays but no serious damage done - really.  I understand perhaps just a little bit sore with a shoulder the next day.  I apologised profusely to her and her mum - for breaking her daughter - and was reassured that she in fact had a great afternoon out :-)

So to finish.  David the Gentle Giant started another thread the other day about recumbent bikes.  And the fact is that he perhaps might like to try one.  Yes me too.  Here's a photo of the kind of chocolate coated nut of a thing I'd be looking at... an XL one of course.  And there's a shop in York!

Kinda a wheelchair for cyclists innit?  I'm sure I'd die laughing trying to get into and out of the thing as my tummy muscles have long since given up the ghost!  And for sure as hard or as stupid as this idiot may try, I shouldn't be able to wheelie the damn thing!  

But please don't put anything beyond me…

Not even a box of chocolates  :-)

Ciao for now.