How to perform a Bottom Up Review..

Good morning peeps.  Well, whilst the weather is crap I've taken to updating this Blog again with more 'how to' rubbish.  

Firstly.  YAY!  I have a solution for Hairy's chocolate problem as noted in my last entry.  Firstly, cut an Always Ultra pad in two crossways and pass one half of it to Hairy.  After giving it a good sniff to see if it was edible or not she initially used it to dab her face like any girl might with a powder puff.  I knew she was thinking what to do with it cos of the effect she had on my eyebrows.  Finally she's figured out how to peel off the paper backing and has now taken to sticking it to the inside of my undershorts just below her chin - like a little bib.  Yay!  She's finally figured it out.  It's in exactly the right place to catch all the inevitable dribbles without interfering with her whiskers when she again gets stuck into the Milk Tray on the next ride out.  Good girl!  

Also to follow on from the last blog entry and so show you what I'm like during exercise.  Well, this short video is a little reminder of the LEJOG thing back in 2018 with the photos running in reverse order as though I'm doing the JOGLE ride today.  Here I am riding poor old Dawes whilst strapped to the magnetic trainer.  

I sincerely apologise for 2 things.  Firstly, the size of my belly.  Umph!  It's enough to put anyone off pork for life.  And secondly towards the end, no I've not just tipped a glass of water on my head.  For sure I'm a sweaty fat bloke.  Oh dear if that segment of video is ever uploaded to an on-line dating site it will for sure finish off the destruction of my character and so any chances with them there future prospective ladies [1].  

Anyway back to today’s topic.  I'm no medical expert but like most hypochondriacs I frequently trawl the web - taking care to avoid all the quackery nonsense of course - looking for ideas, solutions, lotions and potions to help me through this phase of life.  Bum creams and bibs are just part of the suite of emollients and rubs that now squat in my bathroom cabinet. 

Nonetheless, improvement has come post my retirement.  The removal of work stress and the sideways move to sitting on a bike instead of an office chair have both significantly contributed to my hugely improved fitness and health.  

In my final years at work my cardio fitness was so bad that a hard stare in the bathroom mirror reflected back to me a pair of blue lips.  For sure they were not pink and for sure did not look healthy.  You know, the colours one can see in the faces of folk with heart problems.  Greys and blues instead of pinks and rosy reds.  No doubt caused by many years without exercise and many hours sat at a desk writing reports, preparing presentations and running conference calls like I do now for planning cycling adventures although not quite the same.  With a diet of junk food, sucking excess calories into my gob through a cholesterol encrusted straw.  Suffering insufficient sleep.  Drinking Gaviscon straight out of the bottle to deal with the horrendous stress initiated heart burns at 3am most nights.  

Oh dear.  I saw this when I did the LEJOG thing back in 2018 and yep, that's me back in the day.

My heart probably resembled a bar steward type child given to me by a rusty / squeaky foot pump which had mated with a small dying octopus just before it was turned into calamari.  You know, a wet flaccid thing hanging inside a rusty chest, all limp and malformed having lost the will to live.  Trying its best to clamber over the bulwarks to an early retirement at sea.  Phew, made it!  

In the last 4 years and a bit I recon I've cycled 12,000 miles.   Unsuprising therefore that I now have a resting blood pressure somewhere in the 120's over the 70's range and a pulse of 55.  That's fecking brilliant innit for an almost 60 year old?  For sure significantly better than the old blood pressures that risked blowing the top off my hat!  

Whilst I will always be classed as a type 2 diabetic, all of the conditions associated with the disease since my retirement have disappeared.  Especially a certain mildly moist problem in ma boys play room which, irrespective of the number of times I bathed it in dettol and other anti-fungal remedies and the amount of Canesten I ate, well it made not a jot of difference other than to harden ma boys concrete bunkers and rot my teeth.  That little problem also destroyed my [ahem] life cos I would never invite anyone into the damp Bonio and sour dough patisserie that Balloon Dog had invented. 

All of that has now gone.  The symptoms and side effects of having high blood sugar and a poor lifestyle have disappeared.  Whilst things are not spot on they're nowhere near as bad as they used to be.  Skin wounds still take and age to heal but they eventually do.  It's just another indicator that says whilst things have improved I still need to take care with what I eat.  

So I now closely monitor my health.  From the tip of my toes to the top of my head and all the stuff in-between.  I know when I've been a bad boy with my foot hard on the carbohydrate throttle cos the conditions noted have a tendency to re-appear.  Like at Christmas.  Whilst I still tip the scales at around 20 stone I do eat healthily.   Just too much of it.  

I think I'm doing the right things to look after myself.  Nonetheless, Doctor Bob - you know, the pill pushing GP - is desperately trying to get me back in his office for another set of tests.  During the COVID years I've had no intention of going anywhere near a surgery nor a hospital unless I really had to.  But as things ‘normalise’ I will go see him I guess this spring for a review and no doubt will have an argument over whether or not to take the pills again.  The side effects last time (oooh the cramps!!) were worse than the problems they were trying to fix.  So unless he says I'm on very dodgy ground I will continue to do what I’m doing - eat healthily and ride my bike… and just get on with life.  

Because I'm now proactive in finding solutions to body related problems I’ve invented a do it yourself process for an eerie problem..  oooh spooky?

Nah.  Of late I've been waking up deaf in my left ear.  Yep, it's been several years since I've had my ears syringed.  For sure it's a bloody ear wax problem again.  However, the NHS has canned their ear syringing clinic.  Apparently SpecSavers now offers to do it for 55 quid.  Sadly this is just another example of a NHS service that’s been privatised through the back door.  Along with dentistry (sorry Sir we have no NHS places left) at an extortionate price. :-(

Finally finally my chemist received a delivery of pipettes.  So now I could squirt some of ASDA’s best light olive oil into my lug holes.  I could have bought 20ml of 'medical grade' olive oil from the chemist for £7.99.  Really what the feck is medical grade olive oil???  If I fry an egg with it does it make it healthy?  Not at that price it doesn't.  Anyway the kitchen stuff has been going into my ears 2-3 time a day for the last week.  But nothing seems to be budging.  I know I'm blocked as it takes a few waggles of the ear to move the wax plug to get the oil back out again...  Hmmm.

So there I was in the shower having wonderful sex when I remembered that like most women her head has a 'pulse' setting cept this one doesn’t need an Aspirin to turn it off.  So there I am bent over to the right with the shower head pointing up towards my lug hole trying to find the right angle whilst not hitting the ceiling lights.  Now if you've ever had your ears syringed you might remember the pulsing effect as nursey tries to flush the crap out.  I carefully try the shower head in several positions, find the right sound and feeling, leave it there for 10 seconds and to my surprise spot the waxy slug on the cubicle floor.  A BIG fecker.  Black and 'orrid with golden edges.  Result!  It worked. 

Today I did the same with my left ear and yep, the same.  Yay!!!  Both lug holes are now clear and finally! Yes! I can hear again!

Of course I told my neighbour Mary of my home made wax removal process.  'Oooh', she said.  'You must be careful, Wayne'.  I’m then told about the acupuncture / pulse point just inside the ear canal which, if hit just right, would cause me to drop down dead!  Flippin eck!  Really?  

Well I’m still here.  It worked.  In another 10 years wax in my lug holes and chocolate in my shorts will probably be the least of my problems. 

Ciao for now,  

[1] Prospective ladies - now whilst I've had relationships with a couple of Forty Niners and others, sadly more then half of them did indeed turn out to be gold diggers.  It would've been cheaper for me to visit the girls in Bradford every night.  Although that angle grinding incident has kinda put me off going there ever again.