My new Curriculum Vitae

Hairy Jane rang me this morning to wish me a Happy New Year and to plant a seed in my mind which she / he / it hopes will germinate as the warmth of the days increases now that we have passed the winter equinox and so are now on our way back to spring. Specifically, that we should set aside and schedule some time this year to go out on some off-road bike rides together.  Of course!  And whilst in conversation, which is often me speaking at the person who called, he / she / it interjected with the phrase '...if you think about it...' as I was explaining my latest take on the coronavirus and some other non interesting things relating to the lack of a working memory.  I forget…

If I think about it? How dare she / he / it even suggest in a passing 'un-thought about’ comment that I don't think about things? You think my brain runs on auto pilot do you Hairy? Let me tell you it takes a flippin lot of effort and thought to generate the volume of diatribe that comes out of my mouth; some of which ends up in this blog.

So I've thought about today's blog entry. A lot.

It's now 2022. I left BT in 2017 and it's been a long time since I updated my CV. I've reflected on the last one I had and have updated it based on my potential new career as a fat retiree route planner for long distance tour cyclists. I intend to apply for a job at Sustrans this year as their principal Mad Hatter route planner / fat controller cos I think I can do a better job than their current tit end does at screwing things up. I'm gonna start wearing a bra too! Wear a bra? Yep, that should guarantee that I get the job being that the politically correct interviewer will not be able to reject me because he / she / it cannot not categorise me as LGBTQIA+ ...ish.. The + here is important, see [1] below.

So I pulled it out, no not that - my CV - and on reflection it did make me laugh, no no, my CV... How much crap can someone write on paper to try to get the attention of a potential new employer! It's now well over 4 years since I 'retired' from that world of pain but by God how good was I at using every morsel of key bullshit corporate speak in order to get someone's attention and so not end up in the bin. Wowzers! For sure if I was running a selection process today then my old BT internal CV would be the first in the bin!

So here we go. Following my old BT CV style of course :-)

Personal Profile

I have a proven track record riding bicycles. I have the confidence to bore people to death about bike journeys at all personal, engineering and managerial grades. I possess excellent pedalling skills and find it easy to balance on two wheels. I ride all types of bikes, unicycles and recumbents. My juniors (many), seniors (few), peers (I.e., friends with slippy gland problems), colleagues and those really really sick racing snakes actively pursue me on their bikes. I engender collaborative cycling. My enthusiasm exasperates others.

I have planned and implemented several long distance bicycle tours. I have successfully managed many bike seat vs testicle collaborations to date. I am the UK’s only 'fat bloke on a bike' bum friction avoidance and knee protection expert.

In my spare time I ride motorbikes, drive cars and vans and totally avoid house work. As a volunteer I deliver re-cycled dog meats and other morsels to desperate folk for the local 'pies and peas make you wheeze' butcher. I can bake cack cake and have successfully knobbled several members of the family and neighbours equally and without discrimination.

Skills:

• Riding bicycles – 55 years
• Regulatory Compliance - Senior Assessor - Cycling Nappy Crash and Poop Controls
• Body Care - Creams and rubs - Solutions supplier / application test pilot
• Post Ride - Plum Care Consultant
• I am a practicing non-venimous snake charmer 

Qualifications:

• Degree - Control Mechanics - how to avoid perambulating into the shrubbery (1st Class - Hons)
• BTEC Electrical / Electronic Bike Bodging – Level 1 without Distinction
• S Level in snake charming
• AS Level in bum cream application methods
• Ahh!, Eee!, Aye!, Ow! Ooohh!! Levels in testicular care

Awards:

• I received a ‘Smoothest Operator’ Award at the Sustrans Tittering Testicles Gala annual event in November 2014 for having the "best example ever" of a bum cream application method for riders with close shorn scrotums. 
• Mothers Pride Bread Eating - Olympic Gold Medal winner and undisputed World Champion - 1962 to date.

Most Recent Position:

April 2012 to Date – Head of Testicle Support

I was accountable for tour bike rider performance and was responsible for the implementation of testicle and gonad reliability uplift plans. I led a 'squeaky' team to define an Ability to Ride (A2R) testicle improvement plan based on the implementation of non-lederhosen type supports for two and three testicle riders and LGBTQIA+ monopods. An investment proposal led to a non-functional gonad uplift plan and the development of elasticated shorts with integrated hammocks. This included an investigation into methods to help prevent playing testicular tiddlywinks when riding bikes. Whilst insufficient progress could be made to finalise the latter, a contingency plan to help resolve the associated cross-eyed syndrome was developed based on the premise that sharp smack on the top of ones head could be employed to remove testicles from ones throat and straighten ones eyes. This work led to an improved under kegs risk management process which remains in place today.

I organised 'Hot Pants' events in support of the Testicles to Repair (T2R) programme. I secured 'non-functional slippy gland' funding to help Deliverpoo's older delivery teams work longer hours without gonadular risk.

I developed a new coaching method to help the new female Head of the 'Problem Testicles Team' implement an improved testicle rehabilitation process through ‘best practice’ cream application methods. Mmmm... (*POP!*, wake up you silly bugger, ahem...)

Career History:

April 2010 to April 2012 – Dutch Bike Frame Consultant

I was accountable for bike frame performance and responsible for the implementation of bike frame strength and reliability uplift plans. In 2010 I lead a virtual team to define an Ability to Bike (A2B) improvement plan based on improved steel tube designs and their resiliency to fat feckers. A £4.6 million investment proposal outlined multiple five-bar gate based options covering guaranteed 99.999% availability on value added journeys. Whilst insufficient benefits could initially be identified with the proposed PHATT model a simpler slimline design using narrower tractor tyres was eventually  implemented. Importantly it helped define a testicular based analysis and risk management process for the nether regions (that's a place near Amsterdam). Phase 2 planning in 2011 was expanded to assess 270 different leather seat designs, all of which did not include the once obligatory scratch and sniff functionality so necessary for Dutch males when selecting second hand female bikes. I obtained £1.6 million funding for a Brompton bike frame uplift plan even though NO fat testers could be found in the Netherlands. Nonetheless, this subsequently became a successful export programme to the UK. Brompton's 'ooh me doo-dah's' risk management report refers.

May 2005 to March 2010 - Kloot Zak Compliance - Amsterdam

I performed detailed analytical and risk management audits for the Dutch Cycling Board to identify and mitigate cycling shorts issues that risked damage to customers Kloot Zaks. I agreed findings and solutions with senior Dutch Racin Slangens and reported findings and conclusions up to the Dutch Milk Marketing Board. I produced audit reports reporting on causes of unwanted Kloot movements. I represented the Netherlands at an EU wide Kloot Safety and Security Forum organised by the Brussillian Eenwieler Flan Gegeten [2] Clowns and gave guidance on the implementation of saddle anti-slip solutions to reduce bum friction, for example when riding unicycles whilst negotiating. I led on the full definition of European wide anti-slip solutions which helped stabilise the teflon coated non stick cycling suit wearing EU Brexit negotiators when on their bikes.. 

November 2008 to April 2010 – TESCO Non-Customer Service Operations Centre Manager

I managed TESCO's Stalag 17 Customer Service Centre's gerfingerpoken und mittengrabben non-issues call centre team. I implemented Stalag 17's operations from scratch employing several service monitoring tools (people that is, not equipment). I was primarily responsible for 500 SS critical end to end anti-complaints teams in Poland. I also implemented surveillance equipment which included the 'I cannot see a problem’ suite of monitors and Sgt Schulz's 'I hear nothing' suite of service listening equipment. I was a consultant and coach to Hitler's bodyguard teams to find broad seated cycling solutions for megalomaniac monopods. I fundamentally set direction and contributed to the Battle of the Bulge logistics delivering a 124% improvement in schnitzel deliveries to front line teams by Deliverpoo. Just before being executed by a firing squad I managed the service relationships at all levels of management including between Hitler, Goebbels, Himmler and 'Boring' Goring as we used to call him, as he could never take a joke.

**** END ****

[1] LGBTQIA+ is an acronym that means Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Transsexual, Two- spirit, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual, Ally, A-gender, Bi-gender, Gender Queer, Pansexual, Pangender, Gauche, Lemon Flavoured, Left Hand Threaded and Gender Variant.

Keep an open mind though because this is continuously evolving. Just needs to include Straight and / or Hetrosexual, and I'm in! You will then have enough letters to make a really big useless word worth lots of triple letter and double word points on every scrabble board out there...

[2] Literal translation - 'Unicycle, flan eating.'


Happy New Year!