Autumnal Skies

There's a harsh SNAP!  Then a crunch, crunch, crunch, intertwined with short sharp cracking and popping sounds as I speed along.  With a repetitive mmmm-mmmm-mmmm somewhere in the mix.  No it's not me riding over a scattering of freshly fallen golden crispy leaves and twigs felled from the majestic canopy of yellow light by yesterdays autumnal storm.  Mixed with the sounds of my derailleur chain spinning around the rear cog on each pedal rotation as I power along...  No, it's not that.  I'm all alone on a bright late afternoon bike ride chomping on a Crunchie bar, wedged side-on in my gob as I ride into the backside of Riccall.  Nobody really likes to ride into the backside of Riccall.  But the chocolate helps.

The mobile phone rings.  'Ewow, Wane ere [coff, spit], wooowh issit?', says I as I try my best to swallow the bar sideways at 18mph with the wind in my face and the phone pressed up against the side of my helmet.  

'Hi Wayne, Marc here, can you talk?'.  

Well, of course, not right at that moment in time.  I twisted my head and with a long gulp emptied the contents of my inbound tray down the chute to a ravenous Audrey II who's still staring with disbelief at her old steam engine.  She can't fathom why it is somehow managing to drive her output shaft 25% faster than normal.  What the hell is he doing top side I hear her rumble.  Greased his wheels?  Unhooked the anchor from his bike?  For sure she knows that I have not lost weight.  She knows just how hard it is to find space under my skin into which to deposit the excess inbound stuff without going through the whole rigmarole of applying for planning permission for an extension.   I stop with a screech and climb off my bike as soon as I see Thorganby in the distance.  She's the somewhat prettier looking sister of Riccall.  

'Hi Marc, [coff] yes [gulp] all is good ta.  I'm just out on my old Dawes Audax Giro 600, you know, the one you fitted the new head and bottom bracket bearings to?... Yes she's all good now.  Finally rebuilt you know....  Anyway...'  And, so on goes all the pleasantries about the weather and his workshop and my legs etc at which point I politely interject cos I suspect that there is a reason for him calling me...  and, I was getting cold..

'Excellent!!  Brilliant!  Great!  Super!  Smashing!  What?  Yes of course tomorrow would be good for me. I'll see you about 3pm.  Ciao!'  And so the call ends.  I set off down the wind swept road into the backside of Thorganby with a smile on my face.  I don't normally ride into the backside of anything with a smile on my face but hey you've gotta give the new stuff a go haven't ya? 

Dawes lets out a little whimper.  I ignore her and press on.  You know what it is like when you're in the groove.  The mind starts to wander doesn't it?  And for some reason I momentarily lost my internal monologue and failed to catch myself now saying things out aloud.  'So, my Koga bike is finally ready for collection eh?  Good.  250 quids worth of work though... '.  I hear Dawes give a little ouch as I plough along.  'Sorry Dawes my darling, nearly there'.  I continue to think out aloud saying, 'only 2 months to get it fettled eh?  Not bad really in these COVID times and what with the BREXIT delays getting the new sprockets from that European 'hens teeth' factory means bike number 1 is available again.  YAY!'  

Suddenly I realise I'm speaking out aloud and quickly slap my manky hand across my gob..

Oh dear.  I feel the tension fall out of Audax's frame.  The big grin on my face slowly melted away under my fingers.  I looked down and saw her peeking back at me over her handlebar shoulders..  Oh dear.  I felt the pressure drop a little in balloon dog who until now was thoroughly enjoying himself.  Aw feck, she now knows.  I've got another sweetheart.  Another 'number 1'.  Aw feck.  I'm in for it.  

Dawes was in bits when I first took Koga back to Cyclesense.  She was asleep and away with the fairies waiting for a prince to come along to break the curse.   Sadly all she got was me.  An uglier version of Shrek you will not find, desperate for a ride whilst waiting for his supposedly adventurous five bar gate to be fettled.  

I had put a lot of surgical effort into the poor thing to get her fit and well again.  Many hours were spent nursing her as she hung by her buttocks from the garage roof.  And, yes, finally.  She's all better now.  Turned into a good looking sweet little thing she has.  A little bit of foundation has been re-applied over her rusty bits and with a bit of gentle fiddling with her interesting bits she has sprung back to life.  She may be getting on a bit but her clean svelte lines have been resurrected and she's fit to go.  Aye, she's a pretty thing... Took her for a test ride in the street and, she do go some!  Phwoarrr!!

But that's torn it.  She now knows there's another one coming out of the bike hospital soon.  And that she's not number 1.  Aw feck!  As you can imagine the rest of the ride was no fun at all.  I don't know how she did it but somehow she found the headwind route home.  Audrey II, who had been following my thoughts, slung her shovel onto the fuel heap, looked up at me with her arms crossed and a 'you fecker' look on her face before stomping off.  That's it.  Nothing else was going into the boiler that day so the final miles home were bloody hard work.  

The next day I go to Cyclesense's hospital operating theatre to pick Koga up.  The shop has finally re-opened.  I spend probably a good hour chatting with the boys.  I must have spent a good bit of that time chatting with Paul, you know the lad I thought I'd upset over the head bearings issue.  But no.  All is good.  We chat about business and bikes and the impact that BREXIT has had on ordering bike bits from Europe.  He grabs a wad of forms, all in triplicate, to demonstrate the volume of paperwork that's now needed.  He tells me of the calls some people are getting from debt collectors cos suppliers can no longer be arsed sorting out the complex order paperwork errors.  No, he tells me that they just send in the heavies with menaces to get their dosh rather than try to find and fix that shipping / vat / tax error in the big paper mountain.  Also, I get a free can of lager - Triple Chainbreaker (yeah that's me!) - brewed for and canned with the Cyclesense logo in celebration of 30 years of business.  Thanks lads!  

(This is also the first picture of my new breakfast bar in the process of being fitted!)

We wander through to the workshop recovery room and there she is.  'She's a big girl isn't she?'.  I'd not seen her for a while and for the last 2 months have been teased by my naughty slimline Dawes.  Truth is I'd forgotten just how big and heavy.  A proper German type with a huge cleavage and bar end mitts big enough to carry at least eight stein's full of beer.  Ah yes, now I remember what attracted me to her in the first place.   I try to lift her up.  Jeez!  

I gently but firmly upended her into the boot of the ambulance for the journey home.  Before leaving I discussed with Marc a bit of plastic surgery that I'm gonna have done to her next week.  Poor girl.  She doesn't know yet.  She's had a hard life being ridden everywhere by me which has had a somewhat disastrous affect on some of her once nicer features.  So next week she's gonna have some plastic surgery...  to reduce the size of her head. 

Next morning I open the garage door and find them both snuggled up together.  'Scuse me', I say to Dawes as I try to lift Koga from the other side of the bed.  Humfff!  Wow!  Almost threw my back out there.  I slowly close the garage door on a whimpering Dawes.  Sorry my love.  I need to check her out.  Won't be too long.  

Feck me.  Oh dear.  This is going to be hard work.  I somehow manage to cock my leg across her rear end.  There's a sudden tightening of the hammock strings as with agog eyes ma boys hurriedly batten down the hatches.  Balloon dog is running amok in my underpants knocking on ma boys walnut shell doors angrily yapping at them for not letting him in just before he somehow manages to find a semi-safe corner in my shorts.  And we're off.

Fer fecks sake, Marc.  What have you done?  It' feels like he's accidentally attached her new sprocket and Gates carbon drive suspender belt to the Earth's axis.  It feels like I'm now powering the rotation of the bloody planet.  A huge smooth inertia resists the efforts of my feeble winter legs.  She lays there under me.  Not a sound out of her.  If I could have found enough grease to cover her I would have cos today I will need all the help I can get to get a spurt on, especially with a flat balloon dog and a pair of boys now blinking with fear from their darkened bomb shelter.  

How would I describe the difference between the two?  Well, Koga just lays there.  Think of Germany Wayne and just get on with the job.  Every thrust is hard work.  Like a Nazi Panzer tank that's been converted into a container ship sized pedalo.  Smooth for sure but for God's sake Koga, make a bit of effort will ya.  No reply.  Not even a Jawohl!  She really IS a TESCO customer service team bike isn't she?   

I get my crampons out of the pannier but no joy.  As hard as I might try to get a blob on I just cannot.  We smooch along slowly with me trying my best to get some enjoyment out of the experience.  Yeah, I've had other girlfriends like this.  She just lays there underneath me with grinding noises emanating from the wrong end.  That's the only indication that I have that she may be enjoying herself.  Just get on with it Wayne.  It'll soon be over and done with.  Think of some other beautiful bikes you'd rather be with and before you know it the dirty deed will be done.  Is she really number 1?  

I've been spoilt by Dawes for sure.  She's an older bike but defo slimmer, lighter and with several more years of experience under her belt.  It's just more of a fact that I can easily climb on to her, settle into my elbows and just get on with it.  

But wow.  Is she a goer or what!  I close my eyes.  I can feel her at work.  She's all over me.  Challenging me to do better.  Then she's gone.  Where's she gone?  There's a distant slamming sound.  Could have been a sojourn into a pot hole perhaps?  She's back.  Yes, I can feel it, Dave.  Pressing firmly on balloon dogs belly who's rear leg is all spinny and twitchy, scratting on a fat body that looks like its forgotten how to breathe out and is about to explode!  Ma boys are out too in the mix.  A foursome!  No this is not Riccall!   Nonetheless, they're enjoying themselves.  She's good at playing with ma boys and the dog for sure.  

Suddenly, a silence descends.  Jeez!  Where did that come from?  Feels like a rivet of ice taken from the refrigerator moments earlier is now being rubbed on the bit between my bits and the dog.  Ooooohhh!  Flippin eck!  Stoppit now!  I push on even harder.  I'm riding on the icy rivet.  I'm up to 20mph plus on the flat.  I'm gonna explode!  Aaaarggghhh!   You naughty, naughty, NAUGHTY girl!  

I had told South Side Mark that the Koga had been brought back to life and he did laugh. And pose a question. So which is it to be Wayne? Which one is going to be your number one? He put it like this being that he is a snake of a bloke..., 'Once you get her back the dilemma will be the Koga and silence, or; the Dawes and chatty racing snakes. Which'll it be?'. 

 
Well, I'll continue to think about that. For sure I know that Koga is a strong un. She'll go anywhere in all types of weather and it doesn't matter if I decide to take the kitchen sink cos for sure she'll take it and all the washing up too with me and most of the house to anyplace we may want to go. Just won't be that fast really. But Dawes. She's a game bike for sure. Imaginative and fast she may be, she's a lot more fragile than Koga and without due care could accidentally crumple under my extreme weight. For sure I don't ever want to hurt her. She is the first love of my life.

Anyway to get back on track on today's theme and to finally share with you.  Here are some photos of the autumnal skies in this part of the world.  

Yes, summer 2021 has gone.  It has been a good year for biking really.  But the days are now significantly shorter, the sun is lower and the verdant greenery is in the process of putting its gold and brown pyjamas on just before falling into its earthy bed.

So is Koga.  She’s now showered and ready for bed.  So that's it.  Game over, huh?  No more riding today... ?

That is, unless I sneak out later for a bit more fun with good 'ol Dawes.  The naughty girl :-)

Ciao for now