NY200 - The North Yorkshire 200 - How not to do it...

 Well that's it.  London Alan has arrived back home in Kent.  No doubt very happy to see his partner - Lyn - cos for sure I bet she doesn't fart 'n snort half as much as I do.  'I didn't sleep much' says he 'cos I can hear you all night'; whether in the other tent some 4 meters away whilst wearing ear plugs or plain through the bedroom wall.  Yer Ken Ken from Edinburgh will vouch for that 'cos I think I kept him awake all night when we were on an Audit together in Atlanta back in the days of BT even though I was in an adjacent hotel room.  

I do hope that Lyn has taken good care of London Alan now that he is back home.  I imagine him walking in the house with a bedraggled face and a pet lip saying 'hello love, I've got a poorly back and my legs are sore... whimper, whimper, etc.....  ' Aw’, says Lyn looking down, ‘let me help you with that...’ No not that although being away from her warm embrace for 6 nights might have a funny effect on London Alan - 'nuff said eh?

Anyway somewhere in that mix I presume that Lyn said 'I've got just the thing, dear...' just before speeding away to the bathroom and returning to London Alan who is prone on the bed with legs akimbo... Mmmm, that feels nice says London Alan as Lyn gets to work just moments before London Alan lets out a blood curdling scream!  

'Feckin 'ell wot have you done???'.  Apparently somehow and accidentally in all the commotion of arriving home and getting down and dirty in a darkened room and 'cos in her eagerness she didn't turn the bathroom light on she picked up the wrong tube of emollient...  Apparently, Lyn had just gently massaged half a tube of 'Deep Heat' into London Alan's legs but cos the bedroom lights were out and in her eagerness she also accidentally massaged London Alan's testicles with her now greasy hands....  

I'm sure I heard him scream up here in York.  Alan for sure cannot now get out of bed never mind back on his bike.  He is stuck in Lyn's boudoir, flat on his back with ankles raised and the hair dryer on the cold setting blowing on full power onto his testicles which are now resting on a bag of frozen peas.  You've got to feel sorry for the bloke.  Sorry London Alan...

Anyway, that's exactly what Kathryn did to me in Wadebridge the year I did the LEJOG thing which resulted in me making a bee line for and a sizzling noise after I launched myself back into a bathtub full of icy water...  Why do they think that putting deep heat onto sore bits is ever going to be a good idea? Women huh?

Lesson Number 1: Deep Heat should be avoided on tired legs cos of the risk of accidentally contaminating ones goolies in the rush of it all.  

The fact is the North Yorkshire 200 is a little toughie of a ride and unless you are into the 'bum on a bike' routine in that you are used to riding with 40kgs of manky clothing, bedding, camping and eating stuff strapped to your bike then perhaps it is not the best route to start with.  

Lesson Number 2 :  Keep it short and simple for novice riders..

Day 1 with the dead crap nav issue probably only added 3 to 4 miles more than planned onto the route to Hornsea although we did end up in the hills from which I gazed down on all the glorious flatness that we should have been riding on.  Fecking Crap Nav.  

Now that I'm back home I've been able to restore his memory using the more powerful laptop by reformatting it into a MS DOS crap file system and reloading his brain over my fibre broadband network.  He now wanders about the house robotically telling me with a soft lilting voice where everything is with a blank look on his face and a distant stare from his single red eye.  He's started calling me Dave.  Oo-err.  I think I preferred it when he was proper broke - at least I could leave him in the corner of the room with his lego knowing that he was not about to jettison me into outer space.  

Lesson Number 3 : Don't start fecking about with yer crap nav just before a ride.  That goes for all technology.  Get it fettled at least a week in advance.  Then it's done and there's copious time to sort out any late night gremlins.

Day 2 started with a broken London Alan having had his first full-on day riding through hills on a loaded bike and a night trying to sleep in a coffin sized tent on a one inch thin mat with an elephant with sinus problems in the tent to his right.  A hard day's ride and hard night's sleep meant there was a broken London Alan to fettle from the very start of day 2 which needed a visit to a large superstore to pick up heat pads to surgically stick to his back.  

It is I who suggested this ride would be a jolly good idea.  I'm sure I saw his early harsh memories of the North Coast 500 ride on the west coast of Scotland flash across his fevered brow.  I see him mouth 'you fecker' as he stares at me with a clear determination that I won't catch him out a third time.  Sorry again Alan...  I do feel for you.  I feel responsible :-(.

Lesson Number 4 : Don't include camping on long range tour rides especially if it is your first time.  You need to be sure you can sleep and rest under canvas (remember stay away from noisy roads) cos a lack of sleep will only result in a horrendous day's cycling the next day.  Build up to it.  Mix BnB with camping at first.  

After an 'ickle bit of riding on the relative flat lands around Hornsea we are soon heading north into the hills where the Yorkshire Wolds exit stage right into the North Sea.  So it was a long day's ride with plenty of uphill grinding.   Also cos of the puncture and other delays trying to find COVID safe Cafe's in Bridlington and a late visit into Filey for a Yorkshire tea we end up in Scabby (Scarborough) late that evening.  A worried camp site manager has been trying to contact us as 'no entry iz pozzibel after 8pm, genau', she says in her bestest Tesco customer service accent.  'Ze gates vil be closed und ze searrrrrrchlights hen ze machine gun towers will be turned on'.  Stalag 19, eat your heart out.  Nonetheless we arrive in the nick of time and are admitted to the camp before the lock in.

Lesson Number 5 :  Remember, if cycling in the hills your average speed will drop.  Significantly.  So a long days ride with be an extraordinary long day involving SAS style stress positions for the best part of of it especially if you have to get a move on to get to your destination before nightfall.  More ascent?  Then reduce your planned mileage.

Day 3 of course was decision day.  Alan was not in bestest form and the crap weather forecast was still reporting thunderstorms in the north east for day 4.  It would have been hard work getting London Alan to the top of  the North York Moors on a good day for sure but somehow the last thing needed was an actual 4 million volt boost to our dead legs whilst on top of the moors.  So back to York it is.  Nonetheless still a hard days riding - again over 50 miles with a load of lumpy bumpy Yorkshire Wold hillocks in our way.  And a fecking hot sunny day tae boot.  I've not quite yet finished losing the skin off the end of my nose and my lower lip still looks like I've got an over cooked pork sausage wedged across my gob which cracks every time I try to bite something.  Ow!

Lesson Number 6 : You will make good decisions too.  The plan to ride north was aborted.  The right decision.  As taught when sailing if the weather and sea state would mean a late arrival into a destination port with a tired crew then always consider rerouting to the alternative port.

Lesson Number 7 : On sunny days use sun cream / blocker especially on noses / lips.  And wear a broad brimmed hat.  I currently look like I have a toilet unstopper'er for a mouth with a bright red lamp affixed to my nose.  Nuff said..

Well, in total over 4 days riding we did just over 180 miles.  Most of it in the hills.  I don't know about London Alan but for sure my legs feel fecking strong now that they've had a days rest.  I mean proper hard core strong.  I can feel the muscles; hard in my shorts.  No, not that one - the other muscles...  Legs feel powerful.  I can stand up and pedal up hill on a loaded bike now for a good few hundred yards without even a hint of breathlessness.  It's all good.  'Cept for the joints cos for sure it 'aint funny trying to get up off the floor when camping without yer knees and with only wobbly thin spring aluminium tent poles to hang on to.  Other campers wince as they watch the evening's entertainment whilst drinking their tea.  Not a chance, Wayne.  

Lesson Number 8 : Lose some weight or get a new set of knees, Wayne..

Again London Alan's bike needed fettling.  I couldn't believe it but the front mudguard was out of alignment again.  I can only assume that when Alan took the bike to the shop for a 'service' they put it back out of kilter again.  Similarly the derailleur gear would not go up to top cog cos the cable was slack, the headlamp support post was binding with the frame and so generating an irritant squeak and the front wheel's hub generator plug had managed to commit hari-kari / pull it's wires out. 

Lesson Number 9 : Carefully check yer bike and take it for a few long test rides before the main event.  Fettle all problems beforehand.

One thing is for sure, whether we are riding a quiet lane or a busy A road, if there's anything on the bike like a tick tick tick or a burr burr burr or a squeak squeak squeak, all of which we did get, then just forget about it to the end of the day.  For sure to start a ride on a bike that has not been properly fettled isn’t a good idea cos the squeaks might encourage you to stop en- route which ain't necessarily the safest thing to do.  

Lesson Number 10 : Fix any new problems at the end of the day where possible, not during the ride.

I'm gonna leave the final few lines to London Alan who has shared his thoughts again with me - this time to help him prepare for his next ride out...

Observations from Yorkshire 200 tour with Wayne

• I noticed I dehydrate as much as I did last year on a similar hot day with Wayne [ed - so don't forget to pack plenty of fluid and drink regularly!]. 
• Pack clothing etc in front two panniers. Pack rest in rear panniers. So as to keep weight off front of the bike. 
• Keep things you need access to near top of panniers
• Keep to same packing system every day
• Keep weight balanced from both sides of the bike
• Deep diaphragm breathing helped (why?) [ ed - I'll let Alan explain this one to you as is his routine...]
• Always keep things in same place around you in the tent. So as easier to find in the dark. 
• Pack clothes into colour coded bags and place in the panniers. Easier to find things. 
• Use camping frying pan and additional bowl to eat from
• Store camping equipment in single box at home. So that I know where to find them on future trips! 
• Use black/red bungees to hold tent etc in place on rear pannier rack. 
• Pitch tent on flat ground and away from trees. 
• When a photo/video idea comes into my head take photo/video! Trust your instinct for a good photo/video opportunity. 
• Appreciate all senses when camping (sight, smell, sound, touch), as you need all of them to make the most of the experience. 
• Listen to your body and respond to it e.g. before you are thirsty drink, before hungry eat. 
• When cycling with Wayne, especially into a headwind, get behind him, and use him as a windbreak 😁

Cheeky bugger on the last one eh?  I know I'm a fat bloke but I've never been described as a wind break even though I sometimes break wind.  

Final Lesson :  All of this is about being prepared / organised / having a routine and sticking to it; and the reasons why we do it; about enjoying life, conquering new challenges as we age and living in the moment.

mmm...  Living in the moment...   

I guess that's why I ride my bike :-)

Ciao for now.

PPS

Just sent this mail to the Garmin's foster care team:

Hi Garmin

To give you some feedback.  I have been a Garmin product user for some years now.  I use the Edge Touring device for all my cycle tour rides.  Just to say it's the one product in my life today that has me really thinking of going to another manufacturer simply because:

1. I cannot get all GPX files on to it for a tour week of cycling so it is useless for anything longer than a days ride out.

2. The interface with the Basecamp app is abysmal.  Why on earth does Basecamp only show the cycling maps when they have synchronised from the Edge Touring device.  Its a world of delay waiting for the device to sync - in my opinion a totally useless feature which renders the planning function useless for 'normal' use.  The maps once purchased should remain on the computer with the Basecamp App at all times!

3. Why do the POI lists not contain locations of campsites, cafe's and bike shops??  None at all !!! It is a cycling computer after all isn't it?

4. To also say that Base Camp was obviously designed by a techie.  In the real world it more of a pain in my rear end than my bike on a very long ride to use by mere mortals.

5. Data transfer rates to and from the device are abysmal.  Really, why on earth does anything take several hours to synchronise?  You would have known the size of the data files needed for mapping when it was first designed, surely!

When it works it works well.  But boy is it a pain in the butt to get it ready for a ride out.  

Please sort out your cycling computers Garmin.  I'm totally frustrated and ready to give up on you and go to the competition, of which there are many options including those that run so well on today's smart phones...

Kind Regards

Wayne Tyssen

York, UK.