I'm wheely unhappy with my Rohloff Hub...

Well, the shop has given up.  

So has ISON, the UK's repairer for all gold plated bike bits.  The Rohloff hub, that is the single most expensive and '...guaranteed to take you around the world, Wayne...' magical bit of German engineering and advertising chicanery on my Koga bike, is currently on its way back to the manufacturer in Germany for repair.  

Cyclesense do agree that there is a problem.  Whilst some oil consumption is normal the hub was dry of any lubricant other than a wet mist clinging greasily to the internal gears.  Repairing it is beyond ISON's ability which seems to be limited to changing oil seals.  An email was carefully crafted and sent to Herman, Rohloff's slippery customer service agent and part time TESCO delivery driver who promptly, cos that's what German snakes do, sent a reply.  Here it is:

Gud Eferning Zykelzenssssss,

Ein customerz haf gebroken our fantastish mekanizm?  Het iz flippenfloppen?  Mein Gott!  Ziz is niet pozzibel!  Ze Rohloffub is eindestrechtibel!

Ah zo, niet problem, ve vil fetterlit.  Genau.  Zend het bak te mei, SCHNELL, SCHNELL!

There is the sound of a rather large brass band warming up in the background as he writes in response to my last point about the warranty.  The tone of the email changes..

WAR-ranty?  Jou feltz ze need to remindz meh ov ze lifetime WAR-ranty?  Sieg Heil!  Sieg Heil! Ze Blitz-ish are demanding ze WAR-ranty worx!!!  Ziz is niet pozzibel!  Mein Fuhrer!  Mein Fuhrer!

With Warmest and Kindest Regards

Herman Iznichtfirgefingerpokenundmittengrabben the 3rd

Customer Sales and Service (SS) Team Leader (Global Domination Division)

TESCO HQ

Franz Ferdinand Platz, 19394,5

Takenzemicken-Velopottipoo

Germany

After pressing the send key Herman promptly frogged off with a really high goose step towards the factory boss, Adolf, who having heard of the email is oompa'ing his eu-phoney-um and has some sort of symbology crashing loudly in the background.  Adolf is similarly incensed but has no friends to shout at.  He no longer has any mates in the Netherlands cos he never gave them their bikes back after his last visit.  So again he has the bad idea of taking it out on the French...  Going by their reaction you'd think someone had been shot...

Well there is the hope that Rohloff will repair the hub under its lifetime warranty but for sure the Germans will dissect the contract and will for sure find some reason for not repairing it for free.  I say this for three reasons.  

Firstly, I worked on the transfer of operations from Orange to EE just before my departure from BT.  Orange is in fact a division of T-Mobile which is a subsidiary of the German telecommunications company Deutche Telecom AG and so I know how hard they adhere to the letter of a contract.  

Secondly cos of the negotiating mess that is BREXIT.  

And thirdly cos Kathryn told me of a contract between a cancer sufferer and a German Insurance Company who because he had not died before a specified date in the life insurance policy refused to continue to pay for further treatment.  

I imagine my short conversation with Herman will be something like the matter of fact conversation between Goldfinger and James Bond whilst having a gold Rohloff hub repair laser pointed at my testicles, like this:

Herman:  This is your contract Mr Bond.  I am in love with its text, its clarity, the number of its pages.  I welcome any enterprise that will increase it's thickness - which is considerable.

Bond:  I think you've made your point, Herman.  Thank you for the clarification.

Herman:  Choose your next clause carefully, Mr Bond - it may be your last.  The purpose of our two previous encounters is clear to me.  I do not intend to be disturbed by another.  Goodnight Mr Bond.

Bond:  Do you expect me to argue some more?

Herman:  [looks back, clearly pleased with himself] No Mr Bond, I expect you to pay!  There is nothing that you can talk to me about that is not already written into the contract.

Bond:  You're forgetting one thing.  If I fail David Frost replaces me.

Herman:  [sarcastically] I trust he will be more successful.

There's me thinking it is grim up north.  So be careful and really take care when entering into any form of negotiation with a Herman.  Good news though is the Koga bike can be converted to a trouble free derailleur if needed cos I'll be damned if the Germanic hub will drain me of as much money as the oil field it has drunk so far.  

Anyway, in parallel I'm continuing my dialogue with Bikemonger at Ripon about having a bespoke bike build put together for more off road touring next year and for the big one when I am 60, God willing.  Here's a few photos of what I'm looking to do.

Take one of these - a Surly fat bike...

And make it look like this...

Irrespective of what happens with the dud-hub saga, at some date and time I'm sure it will reappear and be reattached to my bike.  And next year, Covid 19 willing, I'll have another new bike to bodge about with and similarly reduce to scrap.  

I'll have the argument with Herman I guess now after Christmas.  Should he come back demanding a payment before the end of the year, which seems to be the normal behaviour for EU types, I'll be ready with my NO-gotiating team.  Nonetheless you know how efficient these Germans are so an argument over an unexpected fishing quota clause in my guarantee is likely to occur before then.  Irrespective of whether the arguements with the UK Government succeed or not, I'm sure he'll use my hub guarantee as a back door route for French fishermen into UK territorial waters with the full backing of the ECJ.

I'm sure he'll understand if I politely tell him to frog off...