The Pleasure in fettling things...

There's cardboard boxes everywhere... 

All empty save for the bubble wrap which has so far survived my urges.  Pop... pop-pop!  Ooohhh!  Nice!  For sure if Pat was here, that is Kathryn's Octogenarian ++++++ mum, there's be no stopping her.  She'd be rolling in it like a pig in transparent plastic shit!  No, er, not that she's a pig... er... or likes rolling in shit.. er, she's a very nice lady for sure just with a strong urge to pop things.  It's probably why she married the 'Spotty Botty Pimple Poppy' oik Howard some 60 years ago..  Ugh!  I feel ill...

Well I kinda like fixing things.  I'm sat here right now with a Wahl beard trimmer in pieces.  TESCO would not refund me because I could not find the original receipt only 3 months or so after buying it [bummer].  After flashing some soulful eyes and crying and whimpering a lot at the Nazi on the customer services desk I eventually gave in and bought another one. 

I still have the 'faulty' one and it has become an irritant.  It's perched on my desk with an evil grin eyeing me every time I come to the laptop.  It laughs at me, challenging me to fettle it.  'Hah! You are ein failure Herr Tyssen.  I spitz in your face!', it cries.  So can I fettle it?  Well, I'm gonna have a go.  I'll at least have the satisfaction of ripping its guts out whilst listening to the fecker gargling and crying for mercy as I jam and twist the screwdriver deeper into its innards before slinging its dead remains in the bin.  

I had to fettle stuff on the NC500 ride last year.  The brr brrr brr sound of a wheel rubbing on the front plastic mudguard on London Alan's bike was driving him crackers.  So I spannered it.  The bike not him.  Some 30 minutes later peace and happiness was restored to the world.  And whilst back in Kent again visiting London Alan for a couple or rides last week I also fettled his 'faulty' German kitchen undercupboard LED lights and cabinet doors which had been irritating him for months.  Zis iz gud ja?

And again for Mary in my street with her plumbing.  Er not her plumbing.. the house plumbing.  Water pi$$ing everywhere.  Pipe joints tightened.  Fettled!  Next door neighbour garage door... His old door was completely shot and as good at giving him a secure feeling as a rather large cat flap.  I fit my old garage door which I had given to him.  It was still in fine fettle post my new garage build..   Cutting and adjusting the old steel brackets on the table grinder for a proper job.. nice.  Good fit!  Fettled!  Then another neighbours old wooden fence which rattled in the wind keeping her awake.  Can you fix it for me Wayne?  Yes!  One panel was upside down, all other panels were loose.  Got my bit out, no, the other bit, and fettled all of it... Then for the Major, sharpening and adjusting worn out 70 year old grass shears which now cut like new and helping him to remove his old stump..  Er, no, not his stump; the tree stump in his garden.  Fettled!  Etcetera, etcetera.  

The list of fettling opportunities now that I am retired is endless.  For sure the lists handed to me whenever I visit Howard and Pat in Pickering are a Fettler's joy.  Being that Howard spent many years living in Spain I am officially now his 'Chapucero'.

It's the reason for the cardboard boxes being here today.  Once full of goodies like wines and cakes and other consumables I quickly stuffed down my neck.  All nice thank you's from the folk I have helped but not quite the right stuff for a fat 58 year old with Type 2 diabetes methinks :-)  But so appreciated!  I just need to ride 100 miles a day for the next 2 months to wear off all those delicious calories!

The questions come out whilst on the jobs.  No not that job, the other.  Ahem.  Was I a builder?  Er, no.  Did I do gardening as a career?  Er, no.  How do you know what to do?  Well, I'm none of those things.  However, I've always been an active DIY'er following in the footsteps of my uncle Con who's mantra was "A blind man would be glad to see it..".  So from early in my life I was always encouraged to have a go.  Practice makes perfect and with almost 50 years of fettling behind me most straightforward tasks are easy to do.  

Need to stop writing now.  Howard's ringing the phone in the other room.  I suspect we're going to chat about his latest chapo list.  That or because I now have so much of it lying around, I'm about to be invited to their next bubble wrap party.

Nite.