A year in the life of a Racing Snake

There's a harsh rasping sound growing behind me.  Scary in that I fear it's some horrible critter quickly scurrying up to me as though I'm it's lunch.  No, it's more like the sound of hard tyres ripping over coarse gravel or perhaps of cold air being sucked into a pair of supercharged lungs.  And it is getting louder.

Yeah, another one of those slimy feckers has just raced up to me, overtaken me not more than a hairs breadth away and fecked off at high speed in the same general direction.  

Fecking racing snakes.  I've had a summer full of them.  Creeping out from between roadsigns and junctions, generally in packs skittering along at high speed as though their lives depended on it.  Nasty harsh black shiny critters with long slim bodies, vestigial arms and crack out aloud bones should you accidentally step on one.  They're horrid.  

So what are racing snakes really like?  Well I'm told so for sure it is fact that the little feckers are born at midnight when there's a full moon and not less than eleven degrees of heat in the springtime earth.  Out they come, all black and shiny.  Born wearing lycra suits and bibs; with clip on feet and sunglasses and an inability to speak.  The latter of course never really develops during the year nor for the rest of their short lives.  

Mum and dad snakes will have taken great care of their offspring during the winter months.  Over the years they've laid the bones of dead and unwanted bikes at their feet on which to feed hoping that they do not bite their arses whilst in the nest.   No-one wants to suck venom out of a racing snakes arse.  Thigh muscles grow throughout winter.  Brains and arms wither as spring approaches for they are of no use to an adult racing snake.  They spend most of the winter time prone on their backs whirling legs in the air waiting for the day the temperature outside to hit eleven degrees.  

Mum and dad snake have been careful to encourage them not to speak to any other variety of snake when out on the bike.  They're deaf and mute when out on the road cept when riding in pelotons when the hissing spontaneously erupts as though a svelte rather petite like black air line at a garage has been severed by a rampant males flick knife dick.  They're loud man!  

A razor thin bike is brought to the nest just before the spring emergence.  By now the teenage hissers have developed a close fitting reptilian skin resplendent in thin black stretch lycra panels which aid slippage.  The joining to the razor is a once in a lifetime event using clip-on pedals.  This is always a problem for undetachable juvenile snakes.  Parents have been known to buy especially modified magnetic trainer beds to keep them happy at night.  

The slimy feckers come in 4 main variants:

Black Mambas - go like fook.  Only ride on hot road surfaces whilst displaying the maximum amount of lycra.  They will often bury themselves under bus shelters or nearby trees if the weather gets too wet.  Females grow water bottle like tits which can be detached from the ribcage and are full of venomous electrolytic fluids which have a nasty taste.  Adult snakes are aggressive to other road users and have a nasty bite.

Cobras - nasty young gunship type terrorists that roam the streets at night without lights being a proper nuisance to buses, taxis and other road users.  They carry cap guns, wear black cowboy hats and spit betwixt fangs a lot when not been shepherded along by their mums.  Have a tendency to shout 'no dad' a lot and break into loud wail song when they don't get a new bike for Christmas.  Could potentially become a President of the United States.  Generally give the whole genus a very bad name.

Pit Vipers - ride along on tiny bikes without brakes generally congregating in dedicated brightly lit snake pits where the best of them perform a ritual mating dance by jumping off ramps and grinding themselves along horizontal metal bars and if lucky, immature female snakes.  If human would probably frequent strip clubs and would grow up to be firefighters.  Very metrosexual and a good candidate for zoos.  

Reticulated Pythons - not known for their speed but have stupendous strength.  Have an unfathomable desire to migrate across huge mountains and continents by squeezing the bejesus out of their not so razor like bikes which often make terrible groaning and moaning sounds on the very hardest of climbs just before they expire and die.  They are polite and often hiss a hello to other snake variants but are normally ignored.

Late sunny spring days sees a huge emergence and race for the green verdant country lanes.  Often found to be hissing loudly at passing drivers of how they have the right to ride side by side irrespective of the carnage they are causing with other fellow road users.  Arrogant snakes become SS types working for the Nazi party and later for TESCOs customer service team.

Late summer sees huge murmurations of the feckers swarming the land all carrying with them an air of superiority and an indifference to other road traffic.  Lycra skins may be shed if the weather is too hot.  Male snakes might be found in a writhe-some ball sucking on the water bottle nipples of attendant female snakes especially when hidden in damp undergrowth.  Often results in eggs.  Nonetheless, this is the best time to find them as road kill.  Be careful though as a stunned snake, that is one that has been nobbled by a faster model, is a dangerous fecker and like its riding style is likely to hiss loudly whilst you're attempting to cook it.  Also be careful to only sautee expired snakes as fried Black Mambas look like mummified worms and taste crap.  

Autumn draws to a close the riding season as any fresh ploughed mud on the road might result in a speck of crap appearing on their shiny razors.  In the eyes of other racing snakes this is just down right tawdry and would, if they had lips, result in a lot of loud disdainful tuts.   By this stage their slippy glands have dried up.  Persistent late riding snakes grow a thick fleecy jacket but now without lubrication make a horrible rasping sound when out on their bikes.  

The life cycle of the snake concludes in winter.  Razors display a range of iridescent hues before detaching and falling from the feet of the now dormant snakes.  Few survive the winter months.  Those that die and rot whilst in the nest leave behind nasty fragmented bits as though someone has been eating hobnob biscuits or salt and vinegar crisps under the covers.

So ends the year in the life of a racing snake.  Next years snakes are now in the egg waiting for the winter to pass and for the sun to once again shine.