I cry a little...

Music can be heart wrenching.  Churning our emotions into a writhe-some mess.

I again live alone.  Sadly the relationship with Kathryn is no more as unlike my blood pressure the stress kept going up.  The right thing was to part as life was becoming real hard, I suspect also for Kathryn and for her daughter.  So I have now moved on.  Can you have your cake and eat it?  Is the grass always greener?  It's not as black and white as that, it's just different again.

Anyway this is a bit of a brooding / dark post title isn't it?  No, it's not because of all of the past relationship failures.  I write this today because I find, now that I have time to think and feel, that there are many good things in this life that stir one's emotions.

There I was the other evening.  I'm sat in a dark quiet room.  I turn the volume up on the Sony surround sound amp.  The Aria starts.  It's light and gentle to begin with before reaching down and tearing at the core of my soul.  The music transitions with a fantastic step in tone and volume.  I feel my body's innards physically drop and the hairs stand up all over.  I'm shaking.  My eyes are crushed hard shut.  Tears force their way out.  I'm in a flood; fast rapids wash down my cheeks.  Life's emotional dam has been crumpled by the blinding flash from the latest Lisa Gerrard atomic bomb.

Then the blast wave hits.  I'm tumbling.  Blown along by the shock wave.  It's spine tingling.  I cannot help but snort a deep nostril expanding intake of breath.  Oh God, please release me!  You're hurting me!  My back straightens.  My eyes attempt to open wide yet are welded shut by the ferocity of the sound.  Every muscle and sinew rages as we crest the peak of the 'to-be' born again Tsunami of sound before gently riding down its smooth back, laid face down and wet amongst the emotional flotsam on the floor...

Wow!  Fantastic!  Beautiful!  I'm in awe that anyone, anything can draw such primordial feelings from my body.  I tingle.  I feel alive!  I'm desperate to play it again, to relive the sensations.  I flick replay, shackle my arms and legs to the remains of my smashed emotions and prepare for the onslaught.

That's how it was whilst searching for the next tracks to add to my iTunes collection.  That now includes the 2019 Lloyds bank ad music (Look After You) along with this monumental Aria and track from the film, Layer Cake (good film).  Not all of it is of this magnitude as I just could not take the onslaught.  Like a good wine it needs to be reserved and savoured when you finally decide to sample it.

Listen to this.  You'll either love it or hate it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfNamZmzPc0

Such feelings in me are born for many reasons.  For some it may be because of sadness on reflection of ones life, especially how perhaps we got here today.  Where did it all go wrong we might ask ourselves?  I've visited folk before who have said can you come around for a chat post the break up of a relationship only to find them sat in pools of tears listening to Dido (pick any track, they're all fecking sad) with me bursting in saying 'get that crap turned off right now'.

For me, well perhaps that question did appear more so when I was a young man when I expected so much more of this life.  But time and experience has tempered that.  Yes I still get melancholy at times of sadness and parting and yes I do shed tears.  But that passes.  Do I have regrets?  Yes of course.  Human beings are fallible critters.  You know the saying 'when you look back at your life don't have any regrets'?  Rubbish, I think we'd be hard pushed to find anyone out there without a bag full of 'em.

I embrace all moments, almost every day, perhaps now because I am retired and have the time to think and to listen; no longer constrained in the cold, controlled, driven world of employment.  And more so perhaps I now notice the good things in this life.  Tears of joy.  Little baby ones not great blubberations.  Like when occasionally seeing young children, perhaps the 3 years olds, racing around shrieking and giggling, minds bereft of the worries and tribulations that age will surely bring, running into the wide open arms of their happy parents.  Beautiful.  But perhaps the sad stuff too.  For example, of the passing of Clive James, a broadcaster and Aussie gent with whom I grew up watching his TV shows in the '90s.  An incredibly intelligent man with such an affirming outlook on life and on death.  Very sad.  Even re-watching the video's from my cycle rides triggers teary feelings.  For example, when shouting 'Hello Inverness, we're back!' in the last NC500 video.  It is momentous in that it celebrates such a special time and place.  A place in time I thought me and London Alan would never reach.  But we did.  I thank God for that.  

Perhaps I trigger easily?  Yes perhaps.  Am I a weak minded, depressed and feeble man?  No I don't think so.  I feel good and strong.  Often I am the rock for others to hold on to when their personal ships go down.

I think (I hope) it is normal to be able to express so many emotions.  In some of my stronger moments it's akin to being born again.

All I wish is that like me, if you experience tears it's more so when remembering and finding the good things in your life, not the bad.

Ciao for now..