LEJOG - Stress and Anxiety

Today was the first day I said 'wow!' I was on cycle route 7 between Callander and Strathyre where I effectively hit with my eyes a wall of purple blue flowers that even in the grey overcast late afternoon light, as though the mountains were draped in smoke, could not tone down.  It hit me hard and I let out a gasp!  God knows what I would have done if the sun had been shining.

Gentle Giant David and his wife Fiona were fantastic.  David has such a soft lilting accent that anyone speaking to him would immediately feel settled and relaxed and in safe hands whatever state they were in.  Even an overcast day could not deteriorate his passion for his Bonsai trees (Ken I need to get you two speaking!).  Here they are with his trees and secondly one of David with his favourite (er I need to be careful how I write - sorry Fiona!)..

So why title this blog Stress and Anxiety?  Personally, its what put the rather shitty icing on the end of my career last year.  Even though I was looking for early retirement options it was not the way to end 38 years man and boy working tirelessly for the same company.   I left in September 2017.  Recently I thought that I was much better simply because the shalkes and trembling had gone.  But ask Kathryn and she will say that my fuse was as short as a Balloon Dog's willy and everything told her that I was still not right.

So I'm cycling along the A81 towards Callander and I see a car at the side of the road.  Looks like the front tyre had blown out.  Its only as I pulled along side I saw an elderly lady inside on the phone.  This is a no brainer.  I can change car wheels so I stopped and asked if I could help.

I tried, oh did I try, with blubber ripping through lycra trying to shift the first rusty wheel nut.  Not a squeak.  Then I tried the second, the 3rd.  Finally the last.  I could not budge any of them.  The small wheel wrench with the car felt like it was bending as I was putting that much pressure on it.  Nonetheless the garage was called so hopefully not too long.

I stayed with Margaret until the garage mechanics turned up.  I put on her hazard lights, advised her not to sit in the car and so stood chatting to her for 30 minutes or so.  I would guess in her late 60's or more, with a soft lilting accent she told me about the tyre incident and how it just happened and how lucky she was.   Here she is:

She then started to chat about stress and anxiety, telling me that she had been working until September last year when she stopped because she had exactly the same symptoms as me.  I'm gobsmacked.  Same problems at the same time as me which had the same result - no longer working all in a chance meeting on the A81 west of Callander.

I told her how the LEJOG thing is making such a difference to me.   And here's why.

I've always thought that I could do everything and anything.  Driven at work to always succeed.   Influenced and micro controlled by some to give more more more.  Never good enough.  Sleep was over rated...  I was very tightly wrapped.  Failure was never an option so always resulted in stress.  Work hard they said and like riding up the baby Garrowby's just push push push, grind grind grind.  I felt very anxious on LEJOG day 1 and within 5 minutes of setting off the trembles re-appeared.  Happily they quickly disappeared again...

However I failed to realise, that like the wheel nuts, I could not do everything; that some stuff is beyond me.  I'd forgotten that there is always someone happy to help.  I had never really made time to dance with angel butterflies before and to really think about the good things and good people in this life.   I am so sorry Kathryn.

I thought I was better after leaving work.  Yes, like Margaret, the physical symptoms, the trembling and shaking had gone but there was so much more to fix.  But you're a nice bloke Wayne you may say.  I'm sorry you're looking at a happy chappie veneer, a cloak I wear all the time to hide the monsters within.  Only people real close to me see me battle to keep them under control.  I'm sorry again Kathryn.  I'm sorry squeaky earthling (1).

Over the past 3 weeks I have done something that has been more important to me than any job of work.  I'm not saying this LEJOG thing is the answer to everything.  But it for sure has been a catalyst.  I have cried, a lot.  I have howled with laughter, a lot.  I've had time to think, an awful lot.  And I've had time to speak with you, a lot.

Margaret departed with a lovely smile on her face.  I felt supercharged!  Once tired legs now had the energy of a small atomic power station.  I flew up all the remaining hills today.  I feel great!

Similarly, I've been so touched by your generosities.  From all of you.  You've helped me continue to heal in all your different ways.  Through your support and charity and compassion and hope and good wishes and smiles and love.

To perhaps become a much better man who one day, thanks to your help, I will eventually be.

With all my love.

Wayne.


(1) Squeaky earthling - Kathryn's teenage daughter... nuff said... :-)