LEJOG - Is it time to re-paint the kitchen dearie?

I've never been one to do lots of research.  Having the experience first hand is generally much funnier than finding out about it in advance.  But next time I must look at nutrition just a wee bit closer...

As I've said before, I've tried to be a good boy and miss out all of the crap stuff like bacon and more bacon during the ride.  Eat a hearty breakfast.  A ham and cheese sandwich for lunch.  Perhaps a bit of cake and coffee in the afternoon and a good two course meal in the evening.  Topped off with a recovery (protein and fructose) electrolytic bok bok when I went to bed.

It all went tits up on my ride into Taunton.  In pressing along on a long days ride to see the world famous shrink wrapped Iron Bridge followed by the world's worst uphill climb into Telford, I arrive very late at night and Audrey II is smashing the place up demanding food.  The only option was to go into the chippy / pizza / kebab takeaway and immediately scoff 2 rather large battered sausages, followed by fish and chips with full fat coke drink and a greasy kebab for afters.  Audrey II was ravenous with the inbound chute firmly wedged in her cavernous mouth.  In it went.  Couldn't eat all the chips as like Mr Creosote I was 'fecking full.'

I've spent the last two nights (one day off) with South Side Mark and his wife Gillian at their lovely home in Moffat.  And boy have they been keen to feed me.  Audrey this time being wise to what my head might say tried to take control when I was offered more after a lovely and very large piece of lasagna with peas and garlic bread for dinner.

In her bestest French Maitre d' accent Gill says.  'Elo Monsieur, would you like un petit peu more?' to which Audrey II said ' No feck off, I'm full...'  But Monsieur, het ees only a wafer thin piece of gravy bone (1)?'

'Oh, alright then ' says Audrey II capitulating just at the right time not to cause an offence and sticks her tongue out onto which Gill carefully places the small slice of lasagna.. and I swallow...

With an incredible and sudden stretching of already tight lycra I explode with anecdotes of the days past murderously painting the pale yellow kitchen with flecks and spatters as I vomit images and sounds and experiences of riding a 5 bar gate from LE towards JOG from my mind.  Oh the mess, the kitchen dining area covered in puke and slimy images of a fat man riding a bike.  Oh how they didn't laugh.  The kitchen was trashed...yuck!  Ho Ho Ho says I and I wobble off to bed.

Next morning Gill says 'Good morning Wayne, how are we this morning?'  'Better' says I..    'Better?' says Gill quizzically?  'Better get me a bucket before I throw up...' says I... still full of un-vomited anecdotes and memories from the ride that had not been re-gurgitated the previous night.

I love Monty Python sketches :-). Here's the real Mr Creosote.  It might make you feel a little bit ill though...

Let's move on.  And now for something completely different...

Here's a photo of my bike with its wannabe bigger brother at the Kirkby Lonsdale bikers meet at Devils Bridge...

Its away to Glasgow today.  Still not moving through the remote areas as I'm sure we'll find a Burger Thing in some M74 motorway service stop on the way oop north but as I move in that direction I'm gonna be carrying up to a gallon of water on the bike.  For sure I know I'm getting through one helluva lot of the stuff to keep hydrated and to keep the waterworks running normally.

Funny how that reminds me of when I rode into Weston-super-Mare I spotted a large white business sign at the entrance to an industrial park office block that proclaimed 'Water Storage Specialists' followed less than 50 meters further along by another sign pointing at a large white warehouse that said 'Self Storage'.  I immediately imagined the building stacked to the rafters full of children's inflatable swimming pools.

Sorry I think I'm gonna throw up again...

(1) Gravy Bone - A wafer thin mint of a thing.  A wee meaty Scooby snack given to their doggie Finn, which I'm now desperate to taste too!