Size of an Elephant!

Perhaps like me, some of you are in that 50 something age bracket and might still recall your favourite TV cartoons from the 70's? If you are, you may remember the Banana Splits TV show and the Arabian Nights cartoon? Ah yes, one of the characters was the little donkey, Zazuum.  Pull his tail and with wild kicking, braying and eeyoring he spun up into a miniature tornado generally doing bad things to the baddies.

Another character was Bez The Beast, a man with a turban and green clothing who could shape-shift into any animal or bird just by holding his hands aloft and calling out 'Size of a...!' then whatever he wanted to become.

So there I was today in the Evans Cycles shop at Monks Cross, York, trying on yet another XXXL waterproof cycling jacket hoping that, according to its web site and so finally and at last, this one would fit. I've already sent back tent bags full of tent sized jackets and other things to Wiggle and Rose Bikes (Germany) and a good few other places simply because their sizing charts are all big fibs.

So it turned out again with Evans who handed over a jacket that 'should fit a 51 inch chest' (me) but annoyingly again had that rather tight underarm feeling of a small straight jacket. Twas impossible to close the front zipper.  Grasped in exasperated hands I could not pull the zipper within 5 inches of it's other bit.

I'll be buggered but I cannot recall ever shouting 'Size of an Elephant!' and like Bez, with a flash and a bang, changing into one. I'm sure I've exaggerated my other bits in the past too but not to the extent of racing snake web sites! Glorified ffffibbers the lot of 'em...

"Which arm doessss Missster Elly want to try thissss one on?... We have another one here for the other arm when Ssssir is ready, ssss ssss sssssssss..."

'Never trust a snake...' it's a famous phrase from the Old Testament that I've completely mangled. Along with 'let there be something a bit bigger than this' and famously, 'He that is without thin must shed another stone'

Simply big stuff for big cyclists does not exist. It's as rare as rocking horse poo or a Calliopasaxaviatrumparimbaclaribasotrombaphone complete with an old fat dog and a racing snake! I just need the helmet!

I'm gonna try searching through Microsoft's web site next. I'm damn sure I'll have more luck finding an Excel function that'll fit.

Don't hold your breath... I'm gonna get wet...