Sadism vs Masochism

With a clack! clack! clack! I rose out of my bed this morning like an old rusty First World War tank with a broken gun trying to fight my way out of a deep muddy trench.  My legs slowly rotate, fighting the tangled bedsheets on my way out of the pit with the orchestral sound of Thus spoke Zarathustra playing triumphantly in the background...

Thus spoke Zarathustra?  Yes.  I hear it every morning.  Here I am sat on the edge of my bed with the music in the background contemplating what to do with my ageing bones, and; mmmm, I recon I'm gonna have a bacon sarnie for breakfast.

I'm up!  Like a child I sit on the edge of the bed swinging my feet to and fro in the cool morning air contemplating my failing knees.  I stumble in the darkness towards the bathroom.  You fecking idiot, Wayne.  Why did you leave that dust pan and brush at the top of the stairs?  If I'd tripped and fallen I wouldn't have given much hope to the breeze block wall at the bottom of the stairs.  It would've crashed down with a sound like a monstrous strike at the local 10 pin bowling alley.  The last thing I want to do right now is call the fecking builders back in.  

I click on the bathroom lights and rest my elbows on the porcelain and stare into the sink (no not the bog).  I turn the tap on.  I imagine the water in the pipes thinking 'here we go again' just before being thrust out through the nozzle like a rampant football crowd pushing furiously through the turnstiles to get into the big game.  I watch it being ejected across the 6 inch or so air gap before laughing its way with a gurgle down the plug hole.  

It is thought by many scholars and philosophers that if anyone could ever explain why the water was thinking that way then the reason for the existence of the Universe would be fully understood; Brian Cox would be permanently out of work; war and so the need for old rusty tanks would be ended forever, and; I would be able to get out of bed without any problems.  I wobble down the stairs like a cow with no 'how to go down the stairs' genes in its knees, enter the 'office' and log on.  I'm quickly back on line again trying to find the remaining bits so that I can finish this bloody house extension.  

On line shopping is normally crap but this particular masochistic / sadist idiot still persists with it.  Reflected by the number of painful whippings I’ve taken and the number of 'one star' Trust Pilot thrashings I've happily given back.   Except for the debacle of my extensive one star review and the subsequent assassination of my character by the GoEco Renewables masochistic company director, which I'm sure had the same effect for his solar business as setting free his sadistic American teen son on a gun rampage.  The deliciously crafted thrashings do normally result in a screaming apologetic email reply and quick resolution of the issue.  Ooohh! I did enjoy that one!  Nonetheless, I’m now totally fed up receiving from and giving pain to so many inexperienced folk so from now on I will stick to the masochistic brands and sadists that I know and trust to do a proper job of it, and it's a 'feck off' to the rest of em.  

Today I finally saw the money returned to my credit card by Best Heating which brought that deliciously painful saga to an end.  Shame.  But as promised I've deleted my one star Trust Pilot review of them.  Never mind.  Was fun whilst it lasted.  I will now try to order new radiators for the 3rd time.  Interesting that whilst on Trust Pilot I spotted another one star review for a product I just don't recall ever thrashing which had some words in it that I just do not ever remember screaming.  Hmmm..  How did that one get there?  'Trust' Pilot issit?  Hmmm..  Have I been spoofed by some of their competition?  Ooohhh!  Spoofed!  Sounds dirty!  Or am I suffering from memory lapses?  Is it the onset of dementia cos of knocking heads together resulting in a thrashed to death brain?  Probably brought on by my early days playing American Football, the later days with the repetitive knocking of my head against a brick wall at BT, and lately the desk head banging as a result of all the problematic on line purchases.  

You know how I've written before about how I hate the internet and social media because people are too easily influenced on what to buy and where to go?  Driven by the plethora of likes and dislikes.  Perhaps the one star vs five star reviews?  Written by ineffectual idiots who have their own agenda to progress?    The social media giants have taken the fun out of it and have made it too easy by far to inflict pain on others methinks.  Driven by algorithms that just cannot replicate the delicate feel of soft supple leather on tender skin.  

How much of it can be trusted?  Hmmmm.  Bugger all I say.  Ask my TESCO Customer Service SS Agents who will agree that many a false word will be spoken if insufficient pain is inflicted at the customer service desk.   I do not trust eBay.  Nor Google searches.  I'm looking for something specific yet when I employ their search engines, instead of getting that instantly wanted response to a delicately placed feather I find that my search parameters give me everything I didn't want, even the most tenuous link to my query, including all the sponsored muck.  What a mess.  It's bloody useless.  Where's the fun in that!  Ooooh, don't get me started! 

Nonetheless, because I truly am a Christian man I have now deleted that monster of a one star review given to GoEco Repooables.  I do fundamentally believe that if something goes wrong then most companies will over time do their best to improve.  It has been a year since that review so it was time to delete it.   There.  All done.  Pain gone.  That made me feel a little better.   Nonetheless, I'm still wary of masochists and sadists who don't play the game right so it is unlikely I will go back to them for any future thrashings.  It's time to let others give their up to date opinions from now on.  

Anyway, the radiator and solar debacles were just two of the issues that have caused me immense grief with this bloody extension.  It's just about done.  Carpet burns are back on the agenda cos the carpet is ready for installation.  However, that will only be done once the decorating has been completed and the new radiators once ordered and delivered have been fitted.  Mmmm, so nice to keep myself waiting.  Self flagellation!  Mmmm.  Bliss..

However, whilst I wait for Christmas to pass I've had time to mull over the whole experience of the project build and here's what I think, chronologically in order:

The bad ones..

• Garden fencing - This was the very first job almost 3 years ago.  I had approximately 50 meters of new fencing erected.  Erected! Fnar!  The idiots that came didn't have the right tools for the job so borrowed some of mine.  Because they could not be arsed to break the old post concrete out of the ground the new post line does not run straight and level.  Ooh that smarted.  The concrete barge boards were underpinned with bits of rubble so started to sink into the garden and one enormous post was not set correctly in place cos they could not be arsed to dig out another big block of old post concrete.  Result was a misaligned and mangled new fence.  Aaaarrrggghh!  Stop!  Stop!  That  needed my attention to properly set the barge boards and posts and get the panel alignments corrected.  There is no way I'd ever invite those numb idiots back to correct their inflictions as there’s no way they would ever feel the pain of it and where's the fun in that?   It now looks good.  Nonetheless, fecking idiots.
• Building work - Whilst most of the finished work is good I've put up with a lot to get it done.  Felt like I’d been shafted.  With a wet cloth over my face and a trickle from a bottle of water that kept me gasping for the end.  No I didn’t enjoy that experience.  Some expensive items were at least 100% under priced on the main contractor's estimate.  Big financial surprises followed after the work started which could not be corrected 'cos I was locked into the job.  Then the project was massively delayed because of sickness, then COVID strapdowns; and, the builders had taken on / were still thrashing at least 4 other clients as I saw it at the same time.  The bricks, whilst a close match to the house, were second rate and I guess about 300 to 500 quids worth went in the skip.  Ouch!  That's just one example of the excessive financial pain on this job.  Anyway a 3 month job to build took 9 months from start to finish.  Boy did I moan.  A lot!  I think I've now got a first class reputation for being a perfect example of a very tight Yorkshireman :-)  
• Solar - The Go Eco Repooables debacle refers.  Read my blog entry at https://fat-bloke-on-a-bike.blogspot.com/2020/12/am-i-christian-man.html if yer bored.  Yes, another set of fecking masochistic idiots!
• Garden Paving - Well me and the main contractor spent a lot of time laying out the ropes for the paving and patios.  The ground work crew arrived wearing faux leather vests and lederhosen.  They laid the far end patio askew, then promptly pulled up our layout lines and proceeded to run a path that was not aligned with the the rest of the garden design.  Ooohhh that stung!  Then the cross eyed yodelling bar stewards just could not understand how to properly set the Indian paving stones so as to give a symmetrical look between two areas of stone.  It took me at least 2 hours of repetitive show and tell with diagrams and 2 pairs of glasses to get the wall-eyed gerfingerpokers to do their job correctly.   Grafters, yes they were that.  But fecking sadistic idiots who only knew exactly how to inflict cheap irritating pains!  Hmmm, not very well taught at all.  I should have been a teacher at their Secondary Modern School.
• Electrician - Firstly the cost was again massively under estimated by the main contractor.  And as the electrician had started the work with cables fitted under the new plasterboard before I was given his quote, I couldn't do a damn thing about the cost.  It's like I’d paid my fee before the electrical torture had started.  It's impossible to get another electrician to quote to complete the job as they could never certify it as safe as all the cables were now hidden.  Feck!  That hurt!  Felt trapped.  Tied down.  Gagged!  Gaaahhh!  Then when on site the electrician randomly cut nipple holes in my new leather ceiling for spots in the wrong place.  Aaarrghhh!  So all further work was clearly marked out by me to prevent further misses.   As I was now paying to be shafted I wanted the right tool to be used in the right place.  Fecking I-D-I-O-T!
• Plumber - Nice boy, but to use the Times crossword method to describe his intelligence: "comes after moron and imbecile in the Levine and Marks IQ scale from 1928".  Hmmm.  Something D something something T.  Hmmm.   Have to think about that one.  Firstly a massive under estimation again by the main contractor but also problems due to him fitting damaged rads in the wrong place.  My first 4 month problem getting a refund for a damaged radiator which needed the threat of the small claims court to get my money back!  Ooohh, for a novice he did make me squeal!  

Now the good ones!

• Scaffolders - Grand bunch of lads who sadly didn't cause me any problems.  Enjoyed watching them run up and down my gable end.  Fnar!  I think I poisoned one of them with a big sloppy fried egg sandwich.  T'was gruesome watching him eat it!   Enjoyed that!  Well, surely that didn't hurt him, they're scaffolders aren't they?
• Roofing - This was the first properly done job.  Olly and his team were great, on time, keen, and did a grand job of it.  I'm sure they hurt me but I've no recollection of it.  So a professional crew.  I've no issues with asking these boys back!
• Floor tiler - Other than finding it difficult to pin the slippery fecker down to do his work that had to be done before the German wood was inserted, well he did come on time and he did do a great job at a good price.   There's too many double entendres in that sentence for anyone!  Nonetheless, I'd recommend Titty Tony the Tiler to anyone.  Smashing bloke.  He just needs help managing his diary!  :-)
• Composite wood floor supplier - due to an order error, 3 grands worth of wrong flooring was dropped on me instead of the fumed oak as expected.  Ouch!  The flooring company (JS Woodcraft) was great at resolving the issue.  They made me wait a further 6 weeks for the new more expensive flooring to be manufactured and fumed which was again dropped on me from a greater height at no additional cost.  Their error they said so it was their responsibility to fix.  Damn.  That was painless...  For sure a 5 star review going in for them!
• Floor fitter - Lovely gent Chris.  Ex traffic cop now no longer stressed cos no longer has to give the bad news to mummy and her children after daddy had been in a fatal RTA.  Wish I had spent more time with him planning my floor layout as his work could have resulted an excellent application job  if we'd thought about it.  Fnar!  Might've helped if I wasn't the first 'basket weave' (some say basket case) he'd ever laid.  Hey ho.  I was more relaxed about this one as he was not that bad.  He was, for an ex bad cop, a really nice guy.  
• Kitchen company - I've used Scammels before for my main kitchen and so was happy to use them again.  Now I could have ordered a Magnet kitchen for half the price but would've been left with the problem of finding a competent fitter.  So I took a big gulp and with a purple face and a 'Gnnnn' they squeezed me in.  Expensive, yes.  Bloody expensive!  But absolutely t'hassle free.  The gimp mask and wooden utensils that they've left behind is top notch German kit as most German supplied kit normally is.  Bloody professionals them Germans.  For a change a tick in Herman's 'you've been well done' box.  
• Quartz work top supplier - About 5 grands worth of fine bespoke Italian Cor!'tz was shoved into my extension.  Gnnnn!  Wow!  Sharp!  However, during his fettling the fitter noted that one piece had been cut 10mm too short to fully fit into my recess.  Without a peep from me he told me that he was rejecting it cos the gimp factory had not cut to the laser measured plan.  And another new piece - probably another 3 grands worth - was supplied and gently slipped in.  Not a bodge job to be seen anywhere.  Say no more.  I like companies like that :-).  All done.  I now walk perfectly upright with a wry smile on my face.  I dare not bend over for fear of impaling the dog.  
• Kitchen fitter - Gary.  He was the pre requisite fluffer needed to get my wood ready before the Italians arrived.  Excellent job done.  Listened and dealt with all of my concerns which included the proper alignment of my bits cos the padded plaster walls were not.  Overall another fine guy I would recommend to anyone.
• Glass Ballustrade - I'd been feverishly waiting for ever for this particular item to be inserted.  Ordered in March.  Completed in November.  Steve was just so busy with his other clients.  Did a grand job with some deck lighting installed in my 'base rail' which gives a nice night light glow every night when I bend over and walk up the stairs.  

Hmmm. Just clicked.  Most of the bad un's were brought on to the project by the main contractor and most of the good un's were employed by me!  Yes for sure I know where to get the best and that's not from Lumb Lane in Bradford for sure.  The accident with the angle grinder refers.  

In effect I project managed the job lot.  I was held in stress positions all over the place for sure.  I was not expecting to project manage but simply if I had been at work and left it in the hands of the main contractor the number of times I would have come home and gone 'oh-no!' would have been immense.  So I was real happy I was retired and so was around to supervise all of the work as it progressed.  I fitted my own low voltage LED lighting and speaker cables and because I did it it's all been done correctly.  But I also had to spend a day with Brad the Lad and a concrete plane to level the rough poured concrete floor in the extension.  Ooohhh my knees!  I didn't know I needed to be more specific for a house floor as I expected it to be flat.  It's not a garage fer fecks sake! 

Anyway, I will also add myself to the list of fecking masochistic building idiots.  One learns a lot when project managing anything for the first time.  Whilst I am a control freak - the nature of my old job at BT meant that I was taught to be that way - I should've been more specific on a lot of things and pushed harder to get some of the boys back to correct their errors.  But as the saying goes, if you want a job doing right then do it yourself.  

Will I do it again?  Well, I have learn't a lot about design and planning of extensions, building works and regulations.  Second time around for sure I would not get caught out by so many incorrect applications of tools as the first time.  But would I do it again?  No NEVER!

All I need to do now is to get my finger out.  Yes I'll probably need to go to the hospital for that - might as well have the coke bottle removed at the same time.  Some folk are pressing for me to send them some snapchat photos but most of my stuff is still swaddled in plastic waiting for the rest of the wet work to be completed.  Photos and video will be added to this blog in due course.   I expect it'll be censored.  

It's been two and a half COVID years give or take so far so I'm not rushing to get this extension done.  If I was married for sure by now I would be divorced.  Only a single bloke with a sadist / masochistic streak could take on such a project and could live with such a mess.  Thinking about it, perhaps there are a few non binary monochrome left handed woke tandem riders with an interest in flower arranging types out there who could too?  

Also we're getting very close now to turning the corner with the winter solstice almost upon us.  There's feck all in the way of daylight right now and it's significantly colder which is resulting in too much time hibernating in my bedroom.  The trees are bare.  The once autumn gold has now turned into a brown black muck mixed with the greasy clay droppings off the back of humongous tractors that have been dragging their sore arses across the lifeless veldt.  Roads now have a consistency and co-efficient of friction similar to sloppy cow poo on an ice rink.  The sun now blinds me and hurts my eyes as it strobes between the black tree trunks.  It's now far safer to stay at home with my imagination than being out and about.  

So because the weather has changed and the fun and games with the extension are coming to an end I've pulled my magnetic trainer out of the garage.  Poor Dawes.  I've unceremoniously dragged her out of her winter hibernation in the garage too.  She's currently on all fours in the kitchen with her hands and feet now bound to a metal frame.  I've purchased a handlebar extender and currently have it jammed in her mouth.  

Today I'm taking Koga out for a ride.  She's happy in the early winter weather.  But watch out Dawes, we've just started with winter and for sure the rides out with Koga are just about done.  

The extension project is nearly finished.  What's next I hear my fearful neighbours cry.  Yes, what's next...  The lack of on line shopping for building materials and other painful stuff must not stop me from having fun.  I look over my shoulder and glance at the whimpering trussed up Dawes!  With a zzzzippp! I quickly open and gently whisper through the slit in the the front of my leather helmet come extension bifold plaything,  '...not long now my dear.  I'm soon gonna be with ya!'.  

Please do understand what I am about to do dear Dawes,  I must take care of ma boys and the dog this winter mustn't I?  Every time I walk past she quickly glances over her shoulder and winces with a worried look of apprehension in the hope that I'm not just about to climb on.  No.  Not yet, not yet...  

There's nothing quite like keeping them waiting is there...

Ciao for now...